I have wanted children for as long as I can remember. I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I spent much of my childhood, teen years, and early adulthood around children in one way or another - babysitting, being around much younger cousins and my brother, volunteering in high school as an elementary teacher's aide, and getting a degree in Education. I thought I had kids figured out.
When I finally became pregnant with G, my first, I, the Obsessive-Perfectionist-Type-A woman that I am, had little secret goals for myself as a mother. Many of my goals were unreasonable and unreachable...NO ONE could, or needs to, live up to the standards I had set for myself. But I was sure, in a little, dark, secret corner of my heart that those OTHER mothers just weren't TRYING hard enough. If I set my mind to it, I could be better. I would do better. I would be Mother of the Year.
So here, in the List Form that I am so fond of, are a few of the things I envisioned for myself while pregnant, hormonal, and delusional, so many (ok, four) years ago...followed by what REALLY happened.
*Beware - this is a long one!*
1. Childbirth will be a breeze. God DESIGNED my body for this. I will take many childbirth classes, read lots of books, and prepare myself for avoiding the "fear - tension - pain" cycle.
Um, first labor: 24 hours and 24 minutes, 3 hours of pushing, ending with an epidural and vacuum extraction of baby's head. During my totally normal, if lengthy, labor, I asked the nurse seriously (and quietly, so as not to alarm my husband), if I was going to die.
Second labor: 6 hours, 20 minutes of pushing, no epidural. Hey, I'm a pro at this! My first words uttered after the birth: "Is she okay?" My second words: "Can I have a cough drop? My throat hurts." Yeah. From the blood curdling SCREAMS OF PAIN.
2. The baby will not cry. After all, he will have no NEED for crying, because he will always be clean, fed, dry, and played with.
The baby cried. A lot. And the second baby? She never STOPPED crying. Although they were always clean, fed, dry, and played with.
3. The baby will nurse, effortlessly, for the first year of his life. Our nursing sessions will occur every 3 hours during the day, with one 8 hour stretch of sleep during the night. We will gaze into each others eyes and fall deeply in love as mother and child.
Well, there was some gazing. Or maybe I was just sleeping with my eyes open. My kids nursed for only 6 months each, because despite my milk sustaining efforts consisting of gallons of water, lots of oatmeal (ok, so maybe it was in cookie form), fenugreek tablets, beer (the hops are supposed to be helpful for production), and setting my alarm for 4 am to squeeze in an extra pumping session, my milk dried up.
The first few months, I nursed about every 2 hours for 45 minutes a session, and later on, every 3 or 4 hours, round the clock, pumping in between feedings too - in layman's terms, that means I ALWAYS HAD SOMETHING ATTACHED TO MY BOOBS.
Oh, and my toes ached constantly. My toes? Yep. From curling them in pain every time the baby latched on.
4. Spankings, time outs, and parenting books? Why? Why would I need those things? When I tell my child to do something, they will do it, because I am their mother. They will know I mean it. They will live to please me, their mother.
I must say, things WERE pretty peachy until G started walking at 9 months, and then it all went to hell.
To date, I have given approximately 546,972 spankings, 437,965 time outs, and read about 7 parenting books. I have also tried bribes, hugs, lectures, prayers, reverse psychology, kisses, pennies, and popsicles in an effort to curb poor behavior. None of the above appears to be working, as my children most usually do the opposite of anything I say.
5. I will always look sharp. Having children is no reason to let yourself go.
*insert laugh track here* I wore maternity pants until G was 4 months old. With L, I got it down to 2 months...maybe because I invested in larger non-maternity clothing with elastic waists, just so I could know that they WERE NOT MATERNITY WEAR?
Within 6 months of having my first baby, I stopped going for acrylic nails and fills, quit highlighting my hair (at $70 bucks a pop!), and only broke out the liquid foundation for very special occasions, like going to Walmart ALONE (!).
I grew so accustomed to being pregnant / nursing for a 3 year period of time that I cried when it was time to pack up the maternity undies (you know, the ones that come up to your bustline and are SOOOOO comfy), and I once tried on a maternity top while NOT pregnant because I thought it was cute and might cover my tummy. And then I cried because I kind of filled it out. Tip: Don't do that. Ever.
6. My house will always be clean and neat, I will bake every afternoon, and I will always have a well balanced, home-cooked meal on the table by 6:00.
Let me tell you about my house...wait...Hello? Hello? I'm HERE, no, HERE, under the laundry!!!
I don't bake every afternoon. But I do eat cookies every day. Does that count?
If by well balanced you mean serving a BANANA with the poptart, CANNED GREEN BEANS with the boxed macaroni and cheese, and CARROT STICKS with the frozen pizza, then YES! I do serve well balanced meals! And they're kind of home cooked, too, because I had to turn on the oven! Maybe I am succeeding at motherhood after ALL!
Motherhood. The reality. Did I sign up for this?
When I finally became pregnant with G, my first, I, the Obsessive-Perfectionist-Type-A woman that I am, had little secret goals for myself as a mother. Many of my goals were unreasonable and unreachable...NO ONE could, or needs to, live up to the standards I had set for myself. But I was sure, in a little, dark, secret corner of my heart that those OTHER mothers just weren't TRYING hard enough. If I set my mind to it, I could be better. I would do better. I would be Mother of the Year.
So here, in the List Form that I am so fond of, are a few of the things I envisioned for myself while pregnant, hormonal, and delusional, so many (ok, four) years ago...followed by what REALLY happened.
*Beware - this is a long one!*
1. Childbirth will be a breeze. God DESIGNED my body for this. I will take many childbirth classes, read lots of books, and prepare myself for avoiding the "fear - tension - pain" cycle.
Um, first labor: 24 hours and 24 minutes, 3 hours of pushing, ending with an epidural and vacuum extraction of baby's head. During my totally normal, if lengthy, labor, I asked the nurse seriously (and quietly, so as not to alarm my husband), if I was going to die.
Second labor: 6 hours, 20 minutes of pushing, no epidural. Hey, I'm a pro at this! My first words uttered after the birth: "Is she okay?" My second words: "Can I have a cough drop? My throat hurts." Yeah. From the blood curdling SCREAMS OF PAIN.
2. The baby will not cry. After all, he will have no NEED for crying, because he will always be clean, fed, dry, and played with.
The baby cried. A lot. And the second baby? She never STOPPED crying. Although they were always clean, fed, dry, and played with.
3. The baby will nurse, effortlessly, for the first year of his life. Our nursing sessions will occur every 3 hours during the day, with one 8 hour stretch of sleep during the night. We will gaze into each others eyes and fall deeply in love as mother and child.
Well, there was some gazing. Or maybe I was just sleeping with my eyes open. My kids nursed for only 6 months each, because despite my milk sustaining efforts consisting of gallons of water, lots of oatmeal (ok, so maybe it was in cookie form), fenugreek tablets, beer (the hops are supposed to be helpful for production), and setting my alarm for 4 am to squeeze in an extra pumping session, my milk dried up.
The first few months, I nursed about every 2 hours for 45 minutes a session, and later on, every 3 or 4 hours, round the clock, pumping in between feedings too - in layman's terms, that means I ALWAYS HAD SOMETHING ATTACHED TO MY BOOBS.
Oh, and my toes ached constantly. My toes? Yep. From curling them in pain every time the baby latched on.
4. Spankings, time outs, and parenting books? Why? Why would I need those things? When I tell my child to do something, they will do it, because I am their mother. They will know I mean it. They will live to please me, their mother.
I must say, things WERE pretty peachy until G started walking at 9 months, and then it all went to hell.
To date, I have given approximately 546,972 spankings, 437,965 time outs, and read about 7 parenting books. I have also tried bribes, hugs, lectures, prayers, reverse psychology, kisses, pennies, and popsicles in an effort to curb poor behavior. None of the above appears to be working, as my children most usually do the opposite of anything I say.
5. I will always look sharp. Having children is no reason to let yourself go.
*insert laugh track here* I wore maternity pants until G was 4 months old. With L, I got it down to 2 months...maybe because I invested in larger non-maternity clothing with elastic waists, just so I could know that they WERE NOT MATERNITY WEAR?
Within 6 months of having my first baby, I stopped going for acrylic nails and fills, quit highlighting my hair (at $70 bucks a pop!), and only broke out the liquid foundation for very special occasions, like going to Walmart ALONE (!).
I grew so accustomed to being pregnant / nursing for a 3 year period of time that I cried when it was time to pack up the maternity undies (you know, the ones that come up to your bustline and are SOOOOO comfy), and I once tried on a maternity top while NOT pregnant because I thought it was cute and might cover my tummy. And then I cried because I kind of filled it out. Tip: Don't do that. Ever.
6. My house will always be clean and neat, I will bake every afternoon, and I will always have a well balanced, home-cooked meal on the table by 6:00.
Let me tell you about my house...wait...Hello? Hello? I'm HERE, no, HERE, under the laundry!!!
I don't bake every afternoon. But I do eat cookies every day. Does that count?
If by well balanced you mean serving a BANANA with the poptart, CANNED GREEN BEANS with the boxed macaroni and cheese, and CARROT STICKS with the frozen pizza, then YES! I do serve well balanced meals! And they're kind of home cooked, too, because I had to turn on the oven! Maybe I am succeeding at motherhood after ALL!
Motherhood. The reality. Did I sign up for this?
3 Comments:
Does Anyone? I felt that way with J and kind of fooled myself into thinking that way with H and by the time B got here, well just forget about it! I am having way too much fun here in NJ, starting to worry me a bit. One week for each child. Kind of nice, haven't had any time alone in almost 8 years! UGH
#5 is my favorite, especially the part about trying on the maternity top while not pregnant.
I would like to say how proud I am of myself that I have NOT set any expectations for myself in these ways. I have my preferences (for example, no epidural or pain drugs) but I know, in my head, that if it came down to it (a medical requirement or just a lot of pain I hadn't realized would be un-cope-able) then I will have an epidural. I have lots of little "I would prefer x, but if y..." things in my head. Hopefully I don't screw myself up too badly ;)
ROFL SOooooooooooooo true!!! I might have to do a follow-up on my blog along these lines. ;) It's amazing how far I've come in my ideals!! And also how far to the other side I've swung too (by becoming a little crunchy). Great post!!
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