Church service gone bad, episode 246

*Blogger is not letting me space between paragraphs again...I am sorry for your eyes.*

Arrive at church yesterday just in time for service to begin. We attend a church with no nursery or Sunday School, so the kids are right there with us in the pew for the entire hour and a half.

Lecture G and L for the millionth time about how we behave and whisper during church. Get G and L set up with snacks, markers, coloring books, with husband and I acting as the great divider on the pew, separating the two children. Things are going along relatively smoothly.

But then? The preacher writes the topic of the sermon on the board:

CHILDREN: OBEY YOUR PARENTS.

Oh yeah. That's just ASKING for trouble. And lo, the naughtiness begins, as if on cue.

G spins quickly out of control, during the PRAYER of course, so I take him outside for some "fleshly discipline". As I come back into the building, I hear the preacher saying, "...and though mothers play an invaluable part in child-rearing, fathers should be the main disciplinarians..." Hmm. Note to self: send husband out to do next round of spankings. Feel eyes burning into me.

Soon after, I am getting out of my (last pew) seat for the third time to grab hold of L, who is about to run a Chinese Fire Drill around the pew. Hear these words: "...one of the most important parts of parenting, especially young children, is to teach them to be respectful of your authority..." The eyes. I can still feel them.

I'm trying to tune into the lesson, thinking this is one I should pay very careful attention to. The preacher is talking about the importance of "...keeping our children out of harm's way, spiritually and physically..." when I hear a rustling sound from the floor. L has managed to find a Shout Stain-Fighter wipe in my purse and is about to wipe her face with it. But I am fast. Chemical burn averted.

L is now laying on the floor, angry about my attempt to keep her out of harm's way, kicking me in the legs. As I yank her up to send her with her father for some fatherly discipline, cue the preacher telling a story about "...once I was in a store and watched a small child hitting and kicking his mother. It was obvious that he had not been well disciplined at home, or the mother never would have allowed her toddler to have control of HER..." Good grief. Is he just watching our pew and making this sermon up as he goes along? The eyes. THE EYES.

"...I've seen three year old toddlers bend 6'3" men to THEIR will...cue my 6'2" husband elbowing me to find more pink gum IMMEDIATELY to stop the children's incessant whining for MO' GUMMMMMM! Um, is it almost time for communion yet???

Preacher begins wrapping up his lesson by letting us parents know that "...corporal punishment is perfectly acceptable when administered along with loving instruction, and NOT out of anger..." I get at least half of this equation right, as I perform some corporal punishment on my children's ears, while steam is visibly rolling off of my head.

And then, his final words of wisdom for the congregation, "Now, if you all will turn around, you'll see a perfect example of how NOT to parent right there in the very back pew."

Okay, I'm just kidding about that last part, but he might as well have just said it. We're always happy to help out other parents in any way we possibly can.