Good things come to those who WAIT

I'm HERE...it's my first post of the WEEK. See, "the week" to me means Monday through Friday, girls. However, I'm elated to know that you are all so excited to welcome me back! Wheeee!

I would have posted earlier in the day, but I had my 35 week OB check-up this morning, and then we had to run to the grocery store (I had to avoid my beloved Walmart, as a dead body was found in a car in the parking lot of the Walmart this morning. Yay.)

The OB visit was just a quick routine check up, and I was delighted to find I had gained just one pound over the last two weeks. Well, I was delighted for about 43 seconds, right up until the nurse put the blood pressure cuff on me and said, "We may have to use the larger cuff - but we'll see if the regular one works first." I wanted to swing my jiggly, pregnant arm fat at her and knock her out. And by the way, the regular cuff worked JUST FINE.

Today, you get belly pictures! I shall preface these pictures with my tale of Professional Portrait Hell. And then? You shall admire and savor each and every photo, and then send me numerous comments about how incredibly wonderful they are.

So I make an appointment at Glamor Shots (spelled wrong intentionally, so they can't bust me for illegally reproducing their stupid, over priced-pictures). I know it will be pricey, but I figure this is my last pregnancy and I should capture it in all it's glory on the most expensive photo paper ever invented. I also need the makeover, because at this stage of my pregnancy, I need professional help and very heavy makeup.

I was looking to spend no more than about $125 dollars. Please know that while I get professional photos of my children fairly often, I also hoard coupons for Penney's and walk out of there for about twenty bucks. $125 is my weekly Walmart budget (shut up, husband).

So we arrive at the mall. I HATE THE MALL. If you've been reading me for awhile, you'll remember the unfortunate incident where I fell in SOMEONE ELSE'S VOMIT at the mall.

Anyway, we all get our little makeover, and take family portraits first. Easy.

Then just me and Seth together. No problem!

Seth takes the kids for pizza at the Food Court while I stay behind for pictures of me alone. It was wonderful.

We finish the photos and I sit down to look at the prints on the computer and place my order. We're just starting to look through pictures when Seth returns with Garrett and Laura. It is 8:30 at night. This is where the shit started to hit the fan.

The kids are reasonably well behaved while we look at the pictures. Then my husband learns of the PRICE of the photos, and gets very red and sweaty. Basic sheets of portraits are $45 each. If you want any editing (say, to remove blemishes, sweat, whatever), it starts at FORTY DOLLARS PER FACE.

So, if we had wanted to beautiful portrait they showed us of our entire family, "glamour touched", it would have cost $205. FOR ONE SHEET. He then proceeds to tell the GS associate that, "This is PHOTOSHOP. I could do that myself at home. I cannot BELIEVE you are charging that." The associate cowers. I want to cry. I also want to give husband a swift kick under the table. I am also HORRIFIED at the cost. No "glamour touching" for us.

About this time, as my husband is sweating over the cost, my children are starting to feel at home...kicking, fighting, yelling, running. The photographer and makeup artist step in, thankfully, to help. One fixes Laura's hair in an updo and applies makeup, and the other plays with a beach ball with Garrett.

I tell Seth, "We just need to hurry up and decide. It's not their job to take care of OUR cranky children." Seth replies, loudly, that, "For the amount we're spending here, they can take care of them all damn night."

I feel bad about the excessive cost of the pictures I just HAD to have, I'm embarrassed about my children's behavior, I am hungry and swollen, and I am not looking forward to the money rant I'm going to hear all the way home.

We get the hell out of there, with three sheets of pictures, for $180. Plus the cost of dinner. Plus frozen custard on the way home for the weeping pregnant woman.

The children act like monsters all the way out. Laura wants to push the stroller, and nearly plows through a crowd of people. I don't want her to push it - Seth told her she could. We argue. As she is crashing through kiosks, my husband and I are arguing, and Garrett is jumping all around the candy machines (strategically placed every 200 feet throughout the mall) screaming, "I WANT SOME DESSERT! DESSERT, DESSERT, DESSERTTTTTTT!"

Then, I settle the stroller battle by taking one handle while Seth takes the other, with Laura still trying to push. This makes her irate. We look straight ahead, ignore the screaming and the judgemental stares, I'm hot and sweaty and trying not to sob, when a gentleman taps me on the shoulder and holds out Laura's shoe. It is then that we realize she has been on her knees, hanging onto the stroller with all her might, as we DRAGGED HER THROUGH THE MALL. And her shoe fell off in the process.

Seth makes for the fastest outdoor exit with Laura under his arm like a football (that is, if footballs could bellow and kick like all hell), and I continue waddling through the mall, with Garrett alternately begging for "Dessert" and to "go with DADDDDDDYYYY".

I make it to my car before I sob. And I sob all. the. way. home. And then some.

And to make this really long story short, GS called me a few days later with a "special offer", so I ordered some more pictures, and then some more. Our final total, including the original $180? Almost $400. I will post the most recent "special offer" portrait when it comes in. I may even scan and mail you all a copy, just to get my #$%$^^&%@ money's worth. Hell.

Yes, I am in a lot of trouble with the budget maker in our home. And no, the baby does not have a crib mattress, but DAMN, she has some nice first photos. Hee.

Note on the last photo: My belly and face do not REALLY look that good. I've been mercifully "glamour touched".