I am beginning to discover that I have a totally warped body image. Many people suffer from this, usually really thin and adorable people who sincerely believe they are overweight and disgusting.
Me, I am the opposite, for I LIVE in denial. I have spent years bemoaning my current weight, whatever it might have been at the time of the complaining. But secretly, in front of the mirror and in my own heart, I have always believed that I am not in such bad shape, really...until I see pictures and am brought crashing back to reality at the truth. I am not blind. I know what I see (at least in photos), and I do not like it.
I hear a lot of "You look FINE!", "Quit worrying about it so much!", and "I've NEVER thought of you as fat!". While these are kind sentiments, and I do feel good hearing them, they are detrimental, in a strange way. See, when people say these things, what MY brain hears is, "See? You're not fat! Eat whatever you want! No need to worry until people STOP saying those nice things!"
I think maybe some of my backwards warped body image comes from the mixed messages I have received over the years, at weights ranging from 80 pounds at age 11 to today at my highest weight. My brain doesn't know WHAT to think anymore. Some that stick in my head:
"You're such a little skinny mini!" - said by a friend's mom, when I was 13 and was being measured for a dress. I had a 21 inch waist at the time.
"I bet Stacey can do a lot of squats with THOSE thighs!" - said by a boy in 8th grade, and overheard by me, after a weight lifting session in gym class. It was just months after the "skinny mini" comment.
"You are so lucky - your stomach is perfectly flat and never rolls over your jeans when you sit!" - said by a high school friend, a girl whose body I envied.
"Well, it looks like you're going to have hips just like your Granny." - said by step father, shortly after the "flat stomach" comment.
"You're still looking really great." - said by ex-high school boyfriend, after running into him a year after breaking up, during my freshman year of college.
"You'd better not eat too many of those potatoes...you're starting to look a little fluffy." - said by mother in law to be, during my freshman year of college, when she discovered a group of us (on spring break!) having a late-night, post-drinking snack of whatever we could find in the fridge.
It's so easy for people to say, "Exercise! Quit eating fast food! Just eat a little less! If you don't like your body, DO something about it!" It is NOT easy to do. Food is my comfort. It is my habit. It soothes me. It rewards me. It can be new and exciting, when I feel tired and bored. What a silly thing to be attached to.
I spent so many years being able to eat whatever I wanted and not really worry too much about it. The weight had started creeping on late in high school, but I was still in a normal weight range for my height. So I just kept eating that way, thinking it would never really catch up with me. Then I was pregnant / nursing for almost 3 years, and I gave myself permission to eat whatever, whenever, and I had a hunger like I'd never experienced in my life. And I just never stopped.
I am at the point now, where I realize it has finally caught up. My jeans cut into my waist - I can't wait to get home and unbutton. Walking up stairs makes me a little out of breath. I sometimes (always) throw tantrums while getting ready to go out because nothing looks good on me, or hides my fat the way I want it to.
How long will I hang on to this extra layer? How many more mornings can I swear "I'll be good today" before I really am 'good'? How much money am I willing to spend on tummy-hiding shirts? I just don't know. But maybe I'm getting closer.
Me, I am the opposite, for I LIVE in denial. I have spent years bemoaning my current weight, whatever it might have been at the time of the complaining. But secretly, in front of the mirror and in my own heart, I have always believed that I am not in such bad shape, really...until I see pictures and am brought crashing back to reality at the truth. I am not blind. I know what I see (at least in photos), and I do not like it.
I hear a lot of "You look FINE!", "Quit worrying about it so much!", and "I've NEVER thought of you as fat!". While these are kind sentiments, and I do feel good hearing them, they are detrimental, in a strange way. See, when people say these things, what MY brain hears is, "See? You're not fat! Eat whatever you want! No need to worry until people STOP saying those nice things!"
I think maybe some of my backwards warped body image comes from the mixed messages I have received over the years, at weights ranging from 80 pounds at age 11 to today at my highest weight. My brain doesn't know WHAT to think anymore. Some that stick in my head:
"You're such a little skinny mini!" - said by a friend's mom, when I was 13 and was being measured for a dress. I had a 21 inch waist at the time.
"I bet Stacey can do a lot of squats with THOSE thighs!" - said by a boy in 8th grade, and overheard by me, after a weight lifting session in gym class. It was just months after the "skinny mini" comment.
"You are so lucky - your stomach is perfectly flat and never rolls over your jeans when you sit!" - said by a high school friend, a girl whose body I envied.
"Well, it looks like you're going to have hips just like your Granny." - said by step father, shortly after the "flat stomach" comment.
"You're still looking really great." - said by ex-high school boyfriend, after running into him a year after breaking up, during my freshman year of college.
"You'd better not eat too many of those potatoes...you're starting to look a little fluffy." - said by mother in law to be, during my freshman year of college, when she discovered a group of us (on spring break!) having a late-night, post-drinking snack of whatever we could find in the fridge.
It's so easy for people to say, "Exercise! Quit eating fast food! Just eat a little less! If you don't like your body, DO something about it!" It is NOT easy to do. Food is my comfort. It is my habit. It soothes me. It rewards me. It can be new and exciting, when I feel tired and bored. What a silly thing to be attached to.
I spent so many years being able to eat whatever I wanted and not really worry too much about it. The weight had started creeping on late in high school, but I was still in a normal weight range for my height. So I just kept eating that way, thinking it would never really catch up with me. Then I was pregnant / nursing for almost 3 years, and I gave myself permission to eat whatever, whenever, and I had a hunger like I'd never experienced in my life. And I just never stopped.
I am at the point now, where I realize it has finally caught up. My jeans cut into my waist - I can't wait to get home and unbutton. Walking up stairs makes me a little out of breath. I sometimes (always) throw tantrums while getting ready to go out because nothing looks good on me, or hides my fat the way I want it to.
How long will I hang on to this extra layer? How many more mornings can I swear "I'll be good today" before I really am 'good'? How much money am I willing to spend on tummy-hiding shirts? I just don't know. But maybe I'm getting closer.
6 Comments:
I totally understand, babe. Seriously. Food is a horrible, HORRIBLE 'friend' to have - especially when you're younger and sometimes it seems to be your ONLY friend. That's what it was like for me, anyhow.
I'm not gonna say how wonderful you look, 'cause I don't think I've ever seen a picture - I just think YOU, who you ARE, is wonderful, and I'm gonna leave it at that ;)
Lucy and Mrs. S - You guys are so sweet...I always look forward to your nice comments (even when I write a depressing, 3 martini post like this one - hehehe - I'm sober now).
*sneaks in a hug*
Heh... I'm so... um... sneaky.
I'm tired of being pregnant and fat. Of course, my hubby continues to tell me "You're not fat you are pregnant" But, that just gives me the excuse to eat more. Then, I have to lose all of this weight AFTER I have the baby. UGH! They should ban good food forever. Just joking.
Stace,
No more martini's It was supposed to be fun! You are beautiful. I love you for who you are not "what" you are. It is unbelievably hard to loose weight. I keep inching up on the scales because coke and chocolate Krispy Kreams do not count as a balanced diet, but dammit I like it in the morning, midmorning possibly in the afternoon, so I can relate too.
I feel like the only comment I ever need to make on your blog is Yup, exactly...
I have the reverse body image too...it says I am a 12, but yet I fit into 16's...
I say I'll be good every morning too...but I am not.
Maybe it'll be easier when I move. My mil is a diabetic and on a fairly strict diet. Maybe living with her for 2 months will motivate me!
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