Being shamelessly addicticted to tabloid magazines (Star, Us, People, and the like), I recently read an article about celebrities' most embarrassing moments with their children.
Let me tell you my favorite. Teri Hatcher's was the time at a restaurant when her infant daughter had a banana for the first time and 'smooshed it all over the table'. Ohmygosh. She really has led a sheltered motherhood, hasn't she? My children would have smooshed it on the table, thrown it at neighboring tables, drawn on the windows with it, and stuffed it up their noses while telling the waitress that they've never had bananas at their house because mommy doesn't feed them.
Most embarrassing moment with the children?!? Which one should I pick?
When my children alternated between repeatedly licking me and laughing maniacally while I was trying to pay the cashier at Walmart?
G bites L in store, so I bite him back, to the horrified looks from nearby patrons?
L yelling out "What TIME is it?" during a particularly lengthy church service?
L lifting her dress to any male passing by our pew during said church service?
G hiding from me in playland tubes and slides at a church nursery, with a satisfied smirk on his face, refusing to come out, while I stood inches away, barred by nets, near tears and pleading for him to come out, while child care professionals stood by watching me not be able to control my 3 year old? (I am TRAINED to control young children, people. I was an EARLY CHILDHOOD teacher for seven years. The degree looks very pretty on my wall.)
The time when the elderly Walmart greeter had to unbend my screaming 2 year old's knees so I could cram her into the seat of a cart?
When I gave L a well deserved swat at the store and she screamed out "Mama don't HIT ME"?
All the times I have let my children go out in public after dressing themselves? (Today, L, my lovely daughter, went out with pink Nikes, her brother's black dress socks pulled up to her calves, spiderman boxer shorts, and her brother's dirty Superman pajama top, on which she drooled purple sucker drool. I added a lavendar bow to her hair so that people would at least know she was female. Sadly, no one even said, in that knowing voice, "Dress herself, did she?", but several people did look mildly repulsed. We have quite possibly crossed the line from 'cute and quirky' to 'dirty freaks'.)
The time I took G to explore his new preschool that he'll attend next fall, and he didn't want to leave, and we chased each other around the halls for 5 minutes like an episode of Tom and Jerry, and I couldn't get ahold of his shirt to strangle him, and the whole time, L was working on getting out the outer glass doors to the sidewalk, again while child care professionals stood by? (I KNOW you wish you could have watched my 30 year old fat jiggle and my face turn red while I ran around in circles chasing an extremely agile 3 year old.)
And these aren't even the really embarrassing moments. I've blocked the worst ones out. But you know, I wear my embarrassing child moments as a badge of honor. I'm lucky to have little children to embarrass me...each time they act like little fools, I know I have been initiated into the great sorority that is Motherhood. I look forward to future embarrassing moments, if only so I can write them down and laugh later.
And that Teri Hatcher needs to quit lying to herself and just come clean.
Let me tell you my favorite. Teri Hatcher's was the time at a restaurant when her infant daughter had a banana for the first time and 'smooshed it all over the table'. Ohmygosh. She really has led a sheltered motherhood, hasn't she? My children would have smooshed it on the table, thrown it at neighboring tables, drawn on the windows with it, and stuffed it up their noses while telling the waitress that they've never had bananas at their house because mommy doesn't feed them.
Most embarrassing moment with the children?!? Which one should I pick?
When my children alternated between repeatedly licking me and laughing maniacally while I was trying to pay the cashier at Walmart?
G bites L in store, so I bite him back, to the horrified looks from nearby patrons?
L yelling out "What TIME is it?" during a particularly lengthy church service?
L lifting her dress to any male passing by our pew during said church service?
G hiding from me in playland tubes and slides at a church nursery, with a satisfied smirk on his face, refusing to come out, while I stood inches away, barred by nets, near tears and pleading for him to come out, while child care professionals stood by watching me not be able to control my 3 year old? (I am TRAINED to control young children, people. I was an EARLY CHILDHOOD teacher for seven years. The degree looks very pretty on my wall.)
The time when the elderly Walmart greeter had to unbend my screaming 2 year old's knees so I could cram her into the seat of a cart?
When I gave L a well deserved swat at the store and she screamed out "Mama don't HIT ME"?
All the times I have let my children go out in public after dressing themselves? (Today, L, my lovely daughter, went out with pink Nikes, her brother's black dress socks pulled up to her calves, spiderman boxer shorts, and her brother's dirty Superman pajama top, on which she drooled purple sucker drool. I added a lavendar bow to her hair so that people would at least know she was female. Sadly, no one even said, in that knowing voice, "Dress herself, did she?", but several people did look mildly repulsed. We have quite possibly crossed the line from 'cute and quirky' to 'dirty freaks'.)
The time I took G to explore his new preschool that he'll attend next fall, and he didn't want to leave, and we chased each other around the halls for 5 minutes like an episode of Tom and Jerry, and I couldn't get ahold of his shirt to strangle him, and the whole time, L was working on getting out the outer glass doors to the sidewalk, again while child care professionals stood by? (I KNOW you wish you could have watched my 30 year old fat jiggle and my face turn red while I ran around in circles chasing an extremely agile 3 year old.)
And these aren't even the really embarrassing moments. I've blocked the worst ones out. But you know, I wear my embarrassing child moments as a badge of honor. I'm lucky to have little children to embarrass me...each time they act like little fools, I know I have been initiated into the great sorority that is Motherhood. I look forward to future embarrassing moments, if only so I can write them down and laugh later.
And that Teri Hatcher needs to quit lying to herself and just come clean.
3 Comments:
Let me say, as I wipe the tears of laughter and (dare I say) understanding...that you are, in the words of a common friend....
"you are a hoot!" I so know those kinds of days....like the time beloved 3 yr old reaches up your dress at church and says...."your panties feel silky" during quiet moment.... ;)
I'm so glad you guys are commenting...I have a feeling there are several people reading, at least friends, but NO ONE WILL COMMENT. Thank you.
And I love the 'silky panties'. I think that one would have killed me.
You're right, and I love your comments! Some days my constant need for attention gets the better of me!
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