I need therapy. I cannot afford therapy, therefore, I blog. I have one particular person in my life who has caused me to need therapy. I live in fear that this person will someday happen upon my blog, so I will tell you only that she is a family member. If you know me personally, you know exactly who I am talking about.
I will start off by telling you that I love her very much. She practically raised me for several early years of my life, and I continued to spend Saturdays and Sundays overnight with her until I was 15 years old.
I also believe that she loves me in her own strange way. Don't want to give too much away here, so I'll just say that all of the other "family members related to her in the same way I am" are boys. I am the only girl.
However...she has been causing me TOTAL EMOTIONAL TURMOIL for about the last, oh, say 25 years.
By nature, I am a person who feels a lot of guilt, especially in my mothering. For example, things I feel bad about today:
1. Everything.
Over the past few years, she has refined her guilt-inducing abilities to an ART, and I am her sole prey. I am EASY prey, and I think she knows it.
I am afraid I could go on for hours with this post, so I'll limit her effects on me to how she feels about my mothering. Following are some particularly hurtful quotes, directly from her mouth:
"I just don't know WHERE you got your parenting skills, or lack of."
"Preschool is for mothers who are LAZY and don't want to do anything with their kids." (I was a preschool teacher at the time, and had just enrolled my son to start PreK in the fall.)
"My daughter was potty trained at NINE MONTHS. L is TWO? You're just too lazy to work at it." (I'm hoping she'll be the only kindergartener that wears a diaper.)
"You REALLY didn't need any more kids." (Said while I was six months pregnant with my second child.)
"You're a teacher. Aren't you supposed to KNOW how to make kids behave?"
"G just isn't LOVING, like all the OTHER boys in our family."
"L is just a mean little snot, even ___ thinks so."
"What, did you send the kids to daycare? I thought you were supposed to be staying home with them?" (said while we were on the phone and it was quiet...they were SLEEPING.)
"I KNOW how much your husband makes...there's no reason you couldn't stay home if you really WANTED to. Why don't you just quit getting your nails done?" (said during a year of my full time teaching, during a period where we had run budget numbers a million times, could NOT make it work, and I was crying all the way to work and all the way home and all night, and I had not had my nails done, or gone to the bathroom alone for that matter, for 6 months.)
"Good mothers make sacrifices. You're just selfish."
"You just don't know her very well." (said to my principal, after the principal had finished telling her GLOWING things about me as a teacher and staff member.)
"I'm just disappointed in how you've turned out."
I need to just stop there. You get the idea.
Why is it that I can get compliments, love, and praise from friends, coworkers, bloggers, and other family members, and it can all be cancelled out by her horrible attitude?
I graduated HS with honors. I never got in any trouble as a kid. I went to college. I married a good guy. I have very loving, intelligent children.
Do I feed my children uncooked Poptarts every morning? Yes. Do we go through the McDonald's drive thru way too much? Absolutely. Do I let them go in the backyard alone while I watch through the window? All the time. Do I spend all day long entertaining them? Nope. Was I doing laundry when my daughter fell off a barstool and had to get stitches? Maybe. Do I send the kiddos to daycare once a week or so to preserve my sanity? Yep. Am I a perfect mom? Never. Do I love my children more than anything in the world, and would I do anything to make them happy? Every moment of the day.
But at 30 years old, with the life and children I always dreamed of, I still can't get rid of the nagging feeling that maybe SHE is the one who is right, and I just have the rest of the world fooled.
I will start off by telling you that I love her very much. She practically raised me for several early years of my life, and I continued to spend Saturdays and Sundays overnight with her until I was 15 years old.
I also believe that she loves me in her own strange way. Don't want to give too much away here, so I'll just say that all of the other "family members related to her in the same way I am" are boys. I am the only girl.
However...she has been causing me TOTAL EMOTIONAL TURMOIL for about the last, oh, say 25 years.
By nature, I am a person who feels a lot of guilt, especially in my mothering. For example, things I feel bad about today:
1. Everything.
Over the past few years, she has refined her guilt-inducing abilities to an ART, and I am her sole prey. I am EASY prey, and I think she knows it.
I am afraid I could go on for hours with this post, so I'll limit her effects on me to how she feels about my mothering. Following are some particularly hurtful quotes, directly from her mouth:
"I just don't know WHERE you got your parenting skills, or lack of."
"Preschool is for mothers who are LAZY and don't want to do anything with their kids." (I was a preschool teacher at the time, and had just enrolled my son to start PreK in the fall.)
"My daughter was potty trained at NINE MONTHS. L is TWO? You're just too lazy to work at it." (I'm hoping she'll be the only kindergartener that wears a diaper.)
"You REALLY didn't need any more kids." (Said while I was six months pregnant with my second child.)
"You're a teacher. Aren't you supposed to KNOW how to make kids behave?"
"G just isn't LOVING, like all the OTHER boys in our family."
"L is just a mean little snot, even ___ thinks so."
"What, did you send the kids to daycare? I thought you were supposed to be staying home with them?" (said while we were on the phone and it was quiet...they were SLEEPING.)
"I KNOW how much your husband makes...there's no reason you couldn't stay home if you really WANTED to. Why don't you just quit getting your nails done?" (said during a year of my full time teaching, during a period where we had run budget numbers a million times, could NOT make it work, and I was crying all the way to work and all the way home and all night, and I had not had my nails done, or gone to the bathroom alone for that matter, for 6 months.)
"Good mothers make sacrifices. You're just selfish."
"You just don't know her very well." (said to my principal, after the principal had finished telling her GLOWING things about me as a teacher and staff member.)
"I'm just disappointed in how you've turned out."
I need to just stop there. You get the idea.
Why is it that I can get compliments, love, and praise from friends, coworkers, bloggers, and other family members, and it can all be cancelled out by her horrible attitude?
I graduated HS with honors. I never got in any trouble as a kid. I went to college. I married a good guy. I have very loving, intelligent children.
Do I feed my children uncooked Poptarts every morning? Yes. Do we go through the McDonald's drive thru way too much? Absolutely. Do I let them go in the backyard alone while I watch through the window? All the time. Do I spend all day long entertaining them? Nope. Was I doing laundry when my daughter fell off a barstool and had to get stitches? Maybe. Do I send the kiddos to daycare once a week or so to preserve my sanity? Yep. Am I a perfect mom? Never. Do I love my children more than anything in the world, and would I do anything to make them happy? Every moment of the day.
But at 30 years old, with the life and children I always dreamed of, I still can't get rid of the nagging feeling that maybe SHE is the one who is right, and I just have the rest of the world fooled.
6 Comments:
I know you said it doesn't matter how much others (bloggers included) tell you how wonderful you are - BUT YOU ARE!! You're doing so great and if this unknown person (unknown to me, anyhow) is that much of a COW you need to do FOR YOURSELF what you'd do FOR YOUR KIDS - not let her near you.
I know it's hard in family situations, but seriously babe - if someone treated your kids like that, you'd go all Momma-Bear on their butts... no reason you shouldn't afford yourself the same protective instincts AND RESPECT!!! The people who are WORTH dealing with know how wonderful you are and how hard you work - that should be all that matters. If you can't control how this person's comments make you feel, then just don't be near them so they CAN'T comment.
I'm done now. I'm just so mad that anyone could be so friggin' MEAN! *attempts to turn off her Momma-Bear instincts*
Thanks, "Mama Bears"...I needed to hear that.
I've been there...been attacked by family members, been attacked by almost family members and even, on occasion, by strangers in the mall. I found that the reason those thing hurt me was that those were the things that I called my "ugly talk"..those deep dark thoughts of fear or doubt that creep in there when I am remembering the words yelled when I was tired or the things I didn't get done because I was just too tired. But then I learned something, I choose to accept those words spoken to me or reject them based on the truth that has been presented to me. "God knows me. Not only does He know me, He created me this exact way...ON PURPOSE. He sees me with loving eyes, not critical eyes. He hears my hear with a loving heart and soothes me with word of truth, like "you were created for good works. You are perfected in Christ." And knowing that "God is not a man that He can lie", I choose to believe Him over anyone else.
Doesn't make it easy, I know, but having people speak truth to you and with you helps!
Sorry to make this so long, but from someone who's been there, I just wanted to speak some encouragement and love.
Well, you know how I feel about it! he he. Just tell the old biddy to stick it where the sun don't shine. Someone really needs to, and I can't think of anyone who deserves the honor more than you!!
Thank you all for such nice comments, advice, and encouragement. It's really helpful to get some new perspective. Thanks again.
You don't need therapy; she does!
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