Would you like to know how long I've been driving? 14 years and 4 months. Would you like to know how long I went without EVER getting a speeding ticket? 14 years, 3 months, and 29 days.
Todays itinerary:
8:30 a.m. Wake up. Breakfast. Dress myself and children.
9:30 a.m. Husband comes up from working downstairs to punish children, who have been whining and screaming so loudly he can't get any work done. This is NOT a good way to begin the day. Must get out of house.
10:30 a.m. Leave house to deliver some cakes and do some errands. Race through errands with biting, screaming, crying, whining, hitting, cranky, ill-mannered children, who are begging for candy, toys, and food, and are yelling, "I have to POOP" at EVERY STORE we go to.
2:00 p.m. Errands finished, back in my town...head to bank (Cake Fund up to $78! Woo-hoo!) and library, hoping with all my heart and soul that naps will start in the car.
2:30 p.m. Approximately two minutes from my house, children nodding off in backseat.
2:31 p.m. A police officer stands in the middle of the road and waves me over into a church parking lot. I almost roll my window down tell him I live half a block down, thinking it's a detour or something, as there are 6 other cars that have pulled in too.
2:32 p.m. Fat officer in bad sunglasses: "Can I please see your license and registration?"
Me: *CUE UNCONTROLLABLE SOBBING*. And no, that's not a form of manipulation, it is an automatic response my body has to The Possibility of Being In Trouble.
2:33 p.m. Children wake up. "Why aren't we GOING anywhere, mommy?" "Wahhhhh!" "I don't WANT to stay HERE." "I want to go HOOOOME." "Why are you crying, mommy?".
2:34 p.m. Officer goes back to write down my license plate # and I respond to the children, with windows rolled down and speaking as loudly as possible, for maximum effect.
"We CAN'T go home, even though it is 30 seconds away, because this man in the sunglasses is making sure that mommy doesn't KILL someone by driving 35 in a 25. And because they are making thousands of dollars today by setting up SPEED TRAPS and pulling people over in HORDES so that they can help pay to hire MORE police officers to pull people over in small subdivisions, which as everyone knows are simply CUL-DE-SACS OF DANGER."
2:36 p.m. Officer hands me my ticket and court summons. No warning because of my clean record, no mercy for the fat, sobbing, sweating lady with screaming children. Nothing but a ticket. No mercy. I know, I BROKE THE LAW AND I MUST PAY FOR MY UNLAWFULNESS...but 35 mph?
I tell him I take care of 3 kids under age 3 every day and I won't be at court. He says I can pay it by mail. "How convenient!" I reply. "How much money that I don't have is this going to cost me?".
"Looks like $80, ma'am. Just another mile or two over and you would have paid $105."
"Well, thank God I saved myself the $25!"
"We've had a lot of neighbors complaining about how fast people drive through here. That's why we're doing this." (Yeah, officer, I'M one of the neighbors complaining about the teenagers at midnight who race past my house at 60 mph, honking and squealing their freaking tires. Would you care to pull one of THEM over sometime?)
I look at him with the most dead and unfeeling expression I can muster. Then I turn around and drive back by another couple of times, going 15 mph and holding up traffic, just to see if they'll pull me over again, because now The Crying, it is now "pissed off - kids got woken up - I've got frozen crap melting in the back of this here Killing Machine" crying.
How I commuted an hour each way on I-44 for 2 years, going 80 mph lest I get run over by semis doing 85, and did not get a ticket until today, I'll never know.
But people, thank your lucky stars that your Friendly Neighborhood Traffic Officers have saved you from the TERROR ON WHEELS that is a stay-at-home-mom with two screaming toddlers in the backseat, driving 35 mph. I can only imagine the horrors that might have been in store had he not straightened me up.
P.S. Goodbye, $78 Cake Fund. Husband, can you loan me $2?
Todays itinerary:
8:30 a.m. Wake up. Breakfast. Dress myself and children.
9:30 a.m. Husband comes up from working downstairs to punish children, who have been whining and screaming so loudly he can't get any work done. This is NOT a good way to begin the day. Must get out of house.
10:30 a.m. Leave house to deliver some cakes and do some errands. Race through errands with biting, screaming, crying, whining, hitting, cranky, ill-mannered children, who are begging for candy, toys, and food, and are yelling, "I have to POOP" at EVERY STORE we go to.
2:00 p.m. Errands finished, back in my town...head to bank (Cake Fund up to $78! Woo-hoo!) and library, hoping with all my heart and soul that naps will start in the car.
2:30 p.m. Approximately two minutes from my house, children nodding off in backseat.
2:31 p.m. A police officer stands in the middle of the road and waves me over into a church parking lot. I almost roll my window down tell him I live half a block down, thinking it's a detour or something, as there are 6 other cars that have pulled in too.
2:32 p.m. Fat officer in bad sunglasses: "Can I please see your license and registration?"
Me: *CUE UNCONTROLLABLE SOBBING*. And no, that's not a form of manipulation, it is an automatic response my body has to The Possibility of Being In Trouble.
2:33 p.m. Children wake up. "Why aren't we GOING anywhere, mommy?" "Wahhhhh!" "I don't WANT to stay HERE." "I want to go HOOOOME." "Why are you crying, mommy?".
2:34 p.m. Officer goes back to write down my license plate # and I respond to the children, with windows rolled down and speaking as loudly as possible, for maximum effect.
"We CAN'T go home, even though it is 30 seconds away, because this man in the sunglasses is making sure that mommy doesn't KILL someone by driving 35 in a 25. And because they are making thousands of dollars today by setting up SPEED TRAPS and pulling people over in HORDES so that they can help pay to hire MORE police officers to pull people over in small subdivisions, which as everyone knows are simply CUL-DE-SACS OF DANGER."
2:36 p.m. Officer hands me my ticket and court summons. No warning because of my clean record, no mercy for the fat, sobbing, sweating lady with screaming children. Nothing but a ticket. No mercy. I know, I BROKE THE LAW AND I MUST PAY FOR MY UNLAWFULNESS...but 35 mph?
I tell him I take care of 3 kids under age 3 every day and I won't be at court. He says I can pay it by mail. "How convenient!" I reply. "How much money that I don't have is this going to cost me?".
"Looks like $80, ma'am. Just another mile or two over and you would have paid $105."
"Well, thank God I saved myself the $25!"
"We've had a lot of neighbors complaining about how fast people drive through here. That's why we're doing this." (Yeah, officer, I'M one of the neighbors complaining about the teenagers at midnight who race past my house at 60 mph, honking and squealing their freaking tires. Would you care to pull one of THEM over sometime?)
I look at him with the most dead and unfeeling expression I can muster. Then I turn around and drive back by another couple of times, going 15 mph and holding up traffic, just to see if they'll pull me over again, because now The Crying, it is now "pissed off - kids got woken up - I've got frozen crap melting in the back of this here Killing Machine" crying.
How I commuted an hour each way on I-44 for 2 years, going 80 mph lest I get run over by semis doing 85, and did not get a ticket until today, I'll never know.
But people, thank your lucky stars that your Friendly Neighborhood Traffic Officers have saved you from the TERROR ON WHEELS that is a stay-at-home-mom with two screaming toddlers in the backseat, driving 35 mph. I can only imagine the horrors that might have been in store had he not straightened me up.
P.S. Goodbye, $78 Cake Fund. Husband, can you loan me $2?
9 Comments:
Wow! You have had quite a week...vomit and a speeding ticket! You're on a roll. Maybe you should stay safely in your house for a few days. I'm sure you can find $2.00 in quarters somewhere ;). You could go to court and dispute it you know. BIG HUG!!!
Well, in the spirit of bargain hunting...At least you saved $25! I was ticketed one time for going 8 MILES over speed limit...and the consolation the police officer gave was, well, two miles more over the limit and it would have been $120. "whew, thank goodness I was pulled over then, because that guy who passed me going 110 miles an hour would have had quick a heck of a ticket then, huh?!" {yep, words actually spoke to the officer while I am sitting in his car since he made me get out and walk back there to sit in his car so Jean 2 and Jean 3 along with two oldest bloglets wouldn't have to see me cry...what a guy!}
Oh No! Ugh. I hate cops like that. I had one jump out from behind a tree in someones yard with a speed-checker-thingy and I thought he was going to shoot me! I almost ran him over. But, anyways, he stopped me right in front of the sign that said "35 mph" How fast was I going? 30. Did I get a ticket? Yes.
I'm shocked that the crying didn't work. Has this stupid cop-man no heart?!?!? Clearly, the answer is no.
Not to mention - HELLO!?!? Teenagers at night are a MUCH BIGGER RISK than SAHMs with two kids in tow. Sheesh.
Did you get his badge number for future reference so you can slap him?
I needed the laugh. I will loan you $2 and I will have cake orders next month. Hang in there.
E
My first and only speeding ticket (knock on wood) was for going ten miles over the speed limit while trying to hurry back with some Pull-ups for my then fiance's kids whom I was keeping while he went to the final custody hearing. Go figure.
I'm sorry, I have to:
HEAD OUT ON THE HIGHWAY!!!
Lookin' for adventure... and WHATEVER COMES OUR way!!!
Yeah, darlin', gonna maaaaake it happpen! Take the world in a LOVE EMbRACE!!!
Fire all of your guns at once, and, explode into spaaaaaaace!!
(it is so your fault that I've had this stupid song in my head all day :P Love ya, though lol)
Mrs. S! *INSERT MANIACAL LAUGHTER HERE* I totally had to keep rewriting the title of this post, because I really wanted to type, like, ALL of those lyrics, so I stopped with the first words and satisfied myself by adding "sing along". So glad you did! ...BORN to be WII-IILD...
UUUUgh - idiot cops. My first ticket was coming home from a night college course. It was like 10-10:30 and I was on some un-lit back country road to come home. Some car came up on me so fast that I was scared he was drunk. What did I do? I sped up so he wouldn't hit me. I finally turned down a side road so he would pass me and then I saw the rollers turn on. Now I wonder how many tickets that guy has gotten the same way? morons. I, for one, am glad you tied up traffic all afternoon! LOL You go girl!
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