Killing Me Softly

I am tired. Bone tired, exhausted, head crunching TIRED. I am tired of food (What? WHAT? Did she just SAY THAT?!?). I just can't find anything fattening enough to be worth the effort. I am tired of TV...summer reruns. I am tired of breathing, bathing, cleaning, cooking, blogging, scrapbooking, and picking my fingernails. And mostly, I am tired of children, especially my own. So I took the day off.

Let me just say - never a good idea to take the day off when your children are still actually IN YOUR CARE. So here's a list for you, since I am so fond of The Listing of All Things. A list of things that occurred when Mommy took the day off. You must promise not to report me to officials after reading this - ok? OK.

Actually accomplished two small things this morning before taking my 'little vacation'.

1. Took cat to the vet. Cat proceeded to poop AND throw up in his carrier before we made it out of our subdivision - "Did someone poop? Don't LIE to me. I smell it. WHO POOPED????" - and for once, it wasn't MY CHILDREN. God, they make me proud sometimes.

2. Got my eyebrows waxed for the first time ever. My eyebrows. They are gone. Do not laugh at me OR mention the words 'fire' or 'singed' or 'brow pencil' in my midst.


My eyebrows before. They were happy. See them smile, even the crrrazzzy ones growing in the wrong directions. Eyebrows that were made just for my face with the perfect space in between.





My eyebrows today. See them look sad. See my skin looking pasty. See my sad eyes with no eye makeup and Christy Turlington's eyebrows. See them. WAIT - can you SEE THEM????? And Brandy my hairdresser - I love you! It's not your fault! I promise I'll come back to you (but maybe just for haircuts...someday. Right now I am in the time consuming process of Letting Myself Go.)

Anyway, I digress. After the vet and the waxing, I took the day off. So, what happened while I was vacationing? Here you go, in no particular order!

1. G escaped out the front door with my car keys. Found him in the side yard, attempting to unlock outside doors.

2. Went to retrieve things from my car and realized G had locked my car doors with the aforementioned keys.

3. Cake sprinkles were dumped outside my front door. Ants. ANTS everywhere.

4. G nearly hung himself on the stairs. And yes, I was sitting right here. I heard him scream for help but didn't see him. This will be hard to picture but...the stairs have no backs, and underneath is just mud, under the deck. G had decided to get under the stairs by climbing through the open stair backs, feet first.

Two problems. First, it was a further distance than he realized, and second, his body fit through, but not his head. So he was dangling under the stairs, which I can't get to, with his head actually stuck between the steps. He's fine, thanks to Mommy Adrenaline, which is a power like no other.

5. My fridge door has been broken (AGAIN) by children repeatedly swinging it as WIDE open as possible, over and over. Currently being held shut by a "child proof" fridge lock. Yeah, "child proof" my ass. But it is helpful for holding closed broken fridge doors!

6. I make cakes, so I keep extra icing flowers and such in a container in the very back of my fridge so I'll have them when I make cakes with flowers. Or should I say, I USED to keep them in the fridge. G and L ate all my icing flowers and leaves today. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY, there is NOTHING like a two kids under the age of 3 who have just ingested approximately 2 pounds of confectioner's sugar.

7. G poured himself a giant travel cup of juice, you know, to wash down the sugar flowers, most of which landed on my freshly mopped floor.


8. G was nearly electrocuted. After being left in his room for timeout, hubby discovered that he had unplugged both nightlights in his room and actually BROKEN one of the bulbs.

9. L pooped her pants in the car. Of course, my always constipated daughter who always poops hard, non messy balls of poop, had a very uncharacteristically soft and messy poop today. You know, 'cause it was in her PANTS and mommy had the day off.

10. Some of the outdoor plants foamed and bubbled when watered. I'm guessing approximately 2 bottles of bubble solution? Good bye, plants. I loved ye so.

I'm getting the feeling my husband is regretting his decision to allow me to stay home with the children. I am going to spend the rest of my "day off" trying to get back in his good graces.

But good grief. The kids are ALIVE, aren't they? What more can you EXPECT from a sweaty, crying woman in her pajamas with no eyebrows?