Dear Rude Old Lady and Her Husband at Chinese Restaurant Tonight,
Yes, that sound you heard that made you keep WHIPPING your head around, is a B-A-B-Y. BAAA-BEEE. A baby C-R-Y-I-N-G. WAHH! WAHH! You may have seen babies before. They are small and don't always have a lot of hair. Sometimes, they are as old as two and have quite a bit of hair, which at this point in their lives is often styled in a way that is reminiscent of a Troll doll and has bits of food and sand in it.
And before you recoil in disgust, yes, I tried to fix her hair before we left the house to go out in public. But babies, especially two year old babies, sometimes screech and arch their back in such a way that they can make their mother throw the hair bands in the trash and simply allow the baby to go out looking homeless.
Let me just tell you, as you stared at me in horror for spanking the B-A-B-Y, that if YOU were crawling under the table, kicking my legs, opening 32 packages of duck sauce to smear on your brother, and running back and forth from the table to the bathroom screaming "I have to POOOOP", during my dinner, I would SPANK YOU TOO.
You look at me with disdain. You look at me with disgust. You look at me with JUDGEMENT.
What you don't know, as you glare at me for RUINING YOUR DINNER, is that I have been home with the baby and her brother for what feels like an eternity. My internal clock says "Summer is over! Time to go back to work!", but I quit that job so that I could attempt to be SUPER MOM, and there IS no going back to work OR taking a break (at least any break long enough to totally restore my sanity to it's previous condition, which was not great to begin with.)
You don't know that today, I bought another Parenting Book. The one that will make my children behave, at least in public, and will make me a Great Mother who dispenses calm correction and wisdom to her attentive toddlers, who will from now on always be dressed in clean, matching outfits and non-grungy shoes and will never beg loudly for candy at the checkout line.
You don't know how hard I'm trying, lady, to get the hang of this parenting thing, if for no other reason than being able to go out peacefully in public with two toddlers, so that YOU can eat your Early Bird Special in peace.
You don't know that I am exhausted, in need of a shower (well, maybe you could spot that one), cranky, hungry (maybe you knew that too, as you watched me cram wontons into my mouth with abandon), and that I have been putting out little fires all day long: Kids breaking through "child proof" fridge lock in order to eat a quarter pound of chocolate icing! Tackling the baby onto the floor in order to dig old, dirty, hard candy out of her mouth! Son releasing his mirror from bedroom wall and letting it fall to floor behind dresser! Son removing each drawer from his dresser so that he can 'sleep in them' later!
You whip your head around everytime you hear a cry / screech / whimper. What do you expect to see? Do you think I might be attaching clothespins all over her body just to make her scream? That maybe I have been pouring hot cashew chicken sauce over her fingers just to elicit a screech? Don't worry, I'm not doing any of those things. Overreacting and making a lot of noise, especially in public places, is just one of those things babies DO. But, if in fact you are still concerned for her well being, give me $20 and you can take her home with you.
You cluck your tongue at me when I remove the baby from the restaurant and take her to the car. Why? Isn't that what you wanted? Didn't you want to see some Good, Old Fashioned Discipline? What exactly is it that you WANTED me to do?
And if you really have the need to totally enjoy your meal in peace, calm, and quiet, which is totally your right as Old, Cranky People, I suggest a more expensive restaurant next time. Chinese places with a $3.98 daily special are just RIDDLED with people like me.
Sincerely,
The plump woman in the oversized, blue, Napoleon Dynamite t-shirt who muttered profanities at you as you eyed me AGAIN while whispering to your husband
P.S. Didn't your mother ever tell you it's rude to stare? Gah.
Yes, that sound you heard that made you keep WHIPPING your head around, is a B-A-B-Y. BAAA-BEEE. A baby C-R-Y-I-N-G. WAHH! WAHH! You may have seen babies before. They are small and don't always have a lot of hair. Sometimes, they are as old as two and have quite a bit of hair, which at this point in their lives is often styled in a way that is reminiscent of a Troll doll and has bits of food and sand in it.
And before you recoil in disgust, yes, I tried to fix her hair before we left the house to go out in public. But babies, especially two year old babies, sometimes screech and arch their back in such a way that they can make their mother throw the hair bands in the trash and simply allow the baby to go out looking homeless.
Let me just tell you, as you stared at me in horror for spanking the B-A-B-Y, that if YOU were crawling under the table, kicking my legs, opening 32 packages of duck sauce to smear on your brother, and running back and forth from the table to the bathroom screaming "I have to POOOOP", during my dinner, I would SPANK YOU TOO.
You look at me with disdain. You look at me with disgust. You look at me with JUDGEMENT.
What you don't know, as you glare at me for RUINING YOUR DINNER, is that I have been home with the baby and her brother for what feels like an eternity. My internal clock says "Summer is over! Time to go back to work!", but I quit that job so that I could attempt to be SUPER MOM, and there IS no going back to work OR taking a break (at least any break long enough to totally restore my sanity to it's previous condition, which was not great to begin with.)
You don't know that today, I bought another Parenting Book. The one that will make my children behave, at least in public, and will make me a Great Mother who dispenses calm correction and wisdom to her attentive toddlers, who will from now on always be dressed in clean, matching outfits and non-grungy shoes and will never beg loudly for candy at the checkout line.
You don't know how hard I'm trying, lady, to get the hang of this parenting thing, if for no other reason than being able to go out peacefully in public with two toddlers, so that YOU can eat your Early Bird Special in peace.
You don't know that I am exhausted, in need of a shower (well, maybe you could spot that one), cranky, hungry (maybe you knew that too, as you watched me cram wontons into my mouth with abandon), and that I have been putting out little fires all day long: Kids breaking through "child proof" fridge lock in order to eat a quarter pound of chocolate icing! Tackling the baby onto the floor in order to dig old, dirty, hard candy out of her mouth! Son releasing his mirror from bedroom wall and letting it fall to floor behind dresser! Son removing each drawer from his dresser so that he can 'sleep in them' later!
You whip your head around everytime you hear a cry / screech / whimper. What do you expect to see? Do you think I might be attaching clothespins all over her body just to make her scream? That maybe I have been pouring hot cashew chicken sauce over her fingers just to elicit a screech? Don't worry, I'm not doing any of those things. Overreacting and making a lot of noise, especially in public places, is just one of those things babies DO. But, if in fact you are still concerned for her well being, give me $20 and you can take her home with you.
You cluck your tongue at me when I remove the baby from the restaurant and take her to the car. Why? Isn't that what you wanted? Didn't you want to see some Good, Old Fashioned Discipline? What exactly is it that you WANTED me to do?
And if you really have the need to totally enjoy your meal in peace, calm, and quiet, which is totally your right as Old, Cranky People, I suggest a more expensive restaurant next time. Chinese places with a $3.98 daily special are just RIDDLED with people like me.
Sincerely,
The plump woman in the oversized, blue, Napoleon Dynamite t-shirt who muttered profanities at you as you eyed me AGAIN while whispering to your husband
P.S. Didn't your mother ever tell you it's rude to stare? Gah.
5 Comments:
my wife is giving birth this august!!and i have to say that it;s tough what you guys have to go through and yes!!being a wife and a mother, a stay at home one is the toughest job ever!!! so, dont mind them fool, spanking?? geez!! in moderation would do any one good!!!
oh, i can't stand people like that! there was a woman in subway once who told me that i was "bad" for not putting socks on my son. i told her that i had put socks on him, but he took them off and threw them somewhere in the backseat of my car. she rolled her eyes in disgust and started whispering to her husband. i wanted to slap her!
Um...my husband thinks I DID make a scene...I was noticibly flustered by the children's behavior and kept having staredowns with the rude people who kept looking over at us. But it wasn't a BIG scene. :)
Stace,
I probably would have stood up walked over to the woman and told her off! No staredowns,just plain ole f@#$ you lady. Can you do it any better? I bet her children are angels and never cried or anything else that children do on an hourly basis, actually if they make it an hour I am pretty darn happy. 15 minutes between fits is peaceful enough You have heard my story about H wearing the purple plastic dress up shoes w/ feathers to J's meet the teacher day? Call me and I will share. People UGH!
My take??
Mrs. Old&Cranky needs to let loose and GET LAID!
Babies are babies, after all, and there's not a heck of a lot you can do to make them NOT behave like babies, especially when out in public. Sheesh!
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