My friend Donna LOOOOOOVES the mall, and goes there WILLINGLY at least three days a week during the summer. This post is dedicated to her.
I haaaaaaaaaaate the mall. I go for these 4 reasons:
1. To have pictures taken (various portrait studios, Santa Clause)
2. Because I have run out of bath gel and need to go to Bath and Body Works for more.
3. To finish Christmas shopping, and that's only out of desperation.
4. To buy jeans. Old Navy semi low rise, boot cut jeans. I am 30 and have finally found jeans that fit me.
That's it. I do not enjoy "hanging out" at the mall. Why do I hate it so? Let me count the ways...
1. I am shop-a-holic. When I see pretty things, I want to BUY THEM ALL. Self control? Not so much.
2. I am a food-a-holic. Our mall contains a Sbarro's AND a Starbucks AND a Taco Bell. Again with the self control.
3. Mall clothes are made for abnormally tiny people. They suck you in with the tantalizing window displays, and then you realize that you can only fit one leg into the "size 14" jeans.
4. Okay, I concede...SOME mall stores do have clothes for normal to large sized people. But the choices! They are overwhelming! They make me sweaty and frantic and I leave with nothing because I can't MAKE A FREAKING DECISION.
5. The mall makes me feel old. I once took my 16 year old brother on a little shopping spree at the mall, and of course his cool self wanted to visit Abercrombie & Fitch and Hollister. I felt like a dumpy, frumpy, worn out mom. And I was wearing my "trendy" clothes. Blah.
6. People stare at you. I hate people staring at me, if I didn't get that idea across to you in my last post. What, is there something on my shirt? Are my pants unzipped? Yeah, come on, WATCH my fat jiggle! Yes, I DO need this cookie - what are you looking at? Am I walking funny? Hey, are you WHISPERING something about ME? QUIT LOOKING AT ME!!!! OMG people, the mall is Paranoia Central for me.
And so those are my main reasons for hating the mall. But, BUT! Tonight, I found a new reason to hate the mall that may very well keep me out of there for the rest of my life. I guarantee this will be the most disgusting thing you hear all week. Are you ready?
We got our family pictures done tonight (Reason to Visit Mall #1), and then went to eat supper at Sbarro's (See? The self control?). G was still eating, and the picture place was about to close, so I headed out with L in the stroller to go retrieve my pictures.
I'm walking as fast as I can, you know, trying to avoid the STARING PEOPLE, and all of a sudden I feel the stroller slide around and before I know what's happening, my feet are out from under me and I fall. Not all the way down on my butt, mind you, just down on one leg. I figure I walked through someone's spilled drink, or perhaps just didn't see the "Just Mopped - Wet" sign. I recover quickly, praying no one saw me, especially as I'm in front of AEROPOSTALE, one of those HIP stores that makes me feel OLD and FAT.
Then I see the stares, hear the gasps. GAH, people. I FELL. I'm FINE. LOOK AWAY, FREAKS. But then, a lady yells out, "YOU JUST FELL IN PUKE! SOMEONE JUST THREW UP THERE!"
OH HOLY CRAP I JUST FELL IN SOMEONE'S PUKE AND THERE ARE FOUR THOUSAND MALL RATS AND THEIR PARENTS STARING AT ME AND MY BABY IS TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS TO THE FACT THAT HER MOTHER HAS SOMEONE ELSE'S VOMIT DRIPPING DOWN HER LEFT LEG AND INTO HER FLIP FLOPS OH MY GOD WHAT IF SHE WAS FOURTEEN SHE'D NEVER FORGIVE ME I AM A BIG LOSER
Do I attempt to gracefully wheel the stroller around and walk off with any SHREDS of my dignity? Hell, no. I walk INTO Aeropostale, where every customer has frozen in their shopping posture, hands paused above hangers in mid air, and yell, "Hi! All the people STARING? Can anyone STOP staring and TELL ME WHERE A BATHROOM IS?" Faces immediately look away and pretend they cannot see the crazy lady.
I jerk the stroller around and march out of the store, where I then walk all the way to the picture place, my puke-leg hidden by the stroller (thank God for small mercies), and hike my leg up into the sink in the picture place's bathroom. The dignity. It is mine.
This is like EVERY MALL FEAR I'VE EVER HAD coming to a head all at once.
So I decide not to even tell my husband. It's just TOO humiliating. But then on the way home, my daughter, who can apparently speak more eloquently than I thought she could, announces, "Puke in there! Mommy fell in it!" And my husband replies, "So YOU'RE the one who left the stroller tracks through that! Hahahahahahaha!!!!".
OMG. Hide me.
I haaaaaaaaaaate the mall. I go for these 4 reasons:
1. To have pictures taken (various portrait studios, Santa Clause)
2. Because I have run out of bath gel and need to go to Bath and Body Works for more.
3. To finish Christmas shopping, and that's only out of desperation.
4. To buy jeans. Old Navy semi low rise, boot cut jeans. I am 30 and have finally found jeans that fit me.
That's it. I do not enjoy "hanging out" at the mall. Why do I hate it so? Let me count the ways...
1. I am shop-a-holic. When I see pretty things, I want to BUY THEM ALL. Self control? Not so much.
2. I am a food-a-holic. Our mall contains a Sbarro's AND a Starbucks AND a Taco Bell. Again with the self control.
3. Mall clothes are made for abnormally tiny people. They suck you in with the tantalizing window displays, and then you realize that you can only fit one leg into the "size 14" jeans.
4. Okay, I concede...SOME mall stores do have clothes for normal to large sized people. But the choices! They are overwhelming! They make me sweaty and frantic and I leave with nothing because I can't MAKE A FREAKING DECISION.
5. The mall makes me feel old. I once took my 16 year old brother on a little shopping spree at the mall, and of course his cool self wanted to visit Abercrombie & Fitch and Hollister. I felt like a dumpy, frumpy, worn out mom. And I was wearing my "trendy" clothes. Blah.
6. People stare at you. I hate people staring at me, if I didn't get that idea across to you in my last post. What, is there something on my shirt? Are my pants unzipped? Yeah, come on, WATCH my fat jiggle! Yes, I DO need this cookie - what are you looking at? Am I walking funny? Hey, are you WHISPERING something about ME? QUIT LOOKING AT ME!!!! OMG people, the mall is Paranoia Central for me.
And so those are my main reasons for hating the mall. But, BUT! Tonight, I found a new reason to hate the mall that may very well keep me out of there for the rest of my life. I guarantee this will be the most disgusting thing you hear all week. Are you ready?
We got our family pictures done tonight (Reason to Visit Mall #1), and then went to eat supper at Sbarro's (See? The self control?). G was still eating, and the picture place was about to close, so I headed out with L in the stroller to go retrieve my pictures.
I'm walking as fast as I can, you know, trying to avoid the STARING PEOPLE, and all of a sudden I feel the stroller slide around and before I know what's happening, my feet are out from under me and I fall. Not all the way down on my butt, mind you, just down on one leg. I figure I walked through someone's spilled drink, or perhaps just didn't see the "Just Mopped - Wet" sign. I recover quickly, praying no one saw me, especially as I'm in front of AEROPOSTALE, one of those HIP stores that makes me feel OLD and FAT.
Then I see the stares, hear the gasps. GAH, people. I FELL. I'm FINE. LOOK AWAY, FREAKS. But then, a lady yells out, "YOU JUST FELL IN PUKE! SOMEONE JUST THREW UP THERE!"
OH HOLY CRAP I JUST FELL IN SOMEONE'S PUKE AND THERE ARE FOUR THOUSAND MALL RATS AND THEIR PARENTS STARING AT ME AND MY BABY IS TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS TO THE FACT THAT HER MOTHER HAS SOMEONE ELSE'S VOMIT DRIPPING DOWN HER LEFT LEG AND INTO HER FLIP FLOPS OH MY GOD WHAT IF SHE WAS FOURTEEN SHE'D NEVER FORGIVE ME I AM A BIG LOSER
Do I attempt to gracefully wheel the stroller around and walk off with any SHREDS of my dignity? Hell, no. I walk INTO Aeropostale, where every customer has frozen in their shopping posture, hands paused above hangers in mid air, and yell, "Hi! All the people STARING? Can anyone STOP staring and TELL ME WHERE A BATHROOM IS?" Faces immediately look away and pretend they cannot see the crazy lady.
I jerk the stroller around and march out of the store, where I then walk all the way to the picture place, my puke-leg hidden by the stroller (thank God for small mercies), and hike my leg up into the sink in the picture place's bathroom. The dignity. It is mine.
This is like EVERY MALL FEAR I'VE EVER HAD coming to a head all at once.
So I decide not to even tell my husband. It's just TOO humiliating. But then on the way home, my daughter, who can apparently speak more eloquently than I thought she could, announces, "Puke in there! Mommy fell in it!" And my husband replies, "So YOU'RE the one who left the stroller tracks through that! Hahahahahahaha!!!!".
OMG. Hide me.
5 Comments:
Your day has mine beat all to hell! I thought for sure mine would be tops with the contacts in the healthy sexy hair soya smoothie. Still haven't tried to put those in by the way. scared to. Sorry about the puke, gross.
I need to get a blogger identity
Anyway...I would just forget it in about two seconds
O. M. Goodness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't believe it...how terrible. I have always loved the mall too, now I have to say that was probably the worst thing that could happen. I am so sorry....and where were the people who are willing to help????? Come on people, now where is your human kindness? I am always the first to run napkins over to someone or offer a shirt, wet wipe, ANYTHING. Go with me sometime, I promise I will protect you from all puke and help you stare back at all those people.
OMgosh YUCK!!!!!!!
Your hubs didn't get smacked? I'd have smacked him. Smack him, it'll make you feel better.
I'm all about the smacking... can you tell?
ITA with Mrs. S - SMACK him...hard. I would have smacked him. Yes, that IS the grossest thing I've heard all week. lol (((hugs)))
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