Can I just tell you how much I love assvice from total freaking strangers? Because, oh yeah, I love me some of THAT. (Blog-land advice excluded, of course, because you all are actually KIND and HELPFUL).
I love when someone asks my children, "Aren't you COLD without a COAT on today?"
I love when certain parenting magazines give me tips on "Mothers Who Discipline Without Yelling."
And what I really love?
When the old retired woman working as a Walmart "greeter" stops me on the way out of the store, when I have been shopping for thirty minutes at nine in the morning with an unruly four year old crammed in the back with the groceries (and rum, if you must know) and a flailing, wailing two year old who is about to climb out of the Proper Child Seat of my cart, and I'm finally doing everyone a favor by getting OUT of the store.
Yes, as I am grasping said two year old's coat while she kneels, screaming, in the Proper Child Seat (refusing to sit on her bottom) so that she will not crash to the floor, and as my now miraculously calm and quiet four year old rides on the back of the cart (you know, with his feet on the rack below, holding on to the edge of the cart "like a monkey!" because that way at least he will not run from me and get hit by a car while I'm trying to manage the wild two year old and not hit cars with my cart), the greeter actually touched my arm and gestured for me to stop.
Sounding nearly frantic at the sight of G riding on the end of the cart (but seemingly none too concerned about L about to catapult herself out of the Proper Child Seat), and I'm sure having disgusted thoughts along the lines of Honestly, These Young Mothers Today, she says, "Ma'am! Ma'am! You can't let your son ride that way on the cart! It's very dangerous!"
And then, APPARENTLY BLIND TO MY TWO YEAR OLD, WHO HAS NOW TWISTED OUT OF MY GRIP AND IS MAKING FINAL ADJUSTMENTS FOR HER PLUMMET TO THE CONCRETE FLOOR, she actually waves her hand over the "safety instructions" printed on the Proper Child Seat, which just so happen to be right under the two year old's kicking feet, and says, "See? It says right here that they can't ride that way!"
And internet, I just couldn't contain it...I rolled my eyes at her, and said in my Overly-Cheerful-And-I'd-Like-To-Knock-Your-Head-Off-Voice, "Excellent. I'll have him walk next to me and just hope he doesn't get hit by a car!"
Her very relieved response? "Okay! Thank you!"
I keep on moving, totally irritated, and horrified that I have been CALLED OUT by the Parent Police, and she keeps on talking..."I'm sorry about that, ma'am, it's just not safe!"
Still rolling, looking straight ahead at my goal of hiding my rude and ugly self in my car, I shout, "You know, when you have two kids under four, you just do what you have to to get OUT OF THE DAMN STORE!"
Since I am medicated now, I didn't hang onto this all day long like I normally would. It did not ruin my day, like it would have in the past. And for all I know, that sweet little grandma has four grown children of her own who once were illegal cart riders and she was just trying to be helpful.
But REALLY. Did she have to STOP me? I've heard the freaking shoplifter alarm go off and seen those greeters look flustered, trying to figure out what to do, and they're so slow that the person who is probably shoplifting is already halfway to their car.
Maybe I just need to move faster than the grannies to avoid their wrath. Silly Hily, I may need to sign up for your Jazzercise class.
I love when someone asks my children, "Aren't you COLD without a COAT on today?"
I love when certain parenting magazines give me tips on "Mothers Who Discipline Without Yelling."
And what I really love?
When the old retired woman working as a Walmart "greeter" stops me on the way out of the store, when I have been shopping for thirty minutes at nine in the morning with an unruly four year old crammed in the back with the groceries (and rum, if you must know) and a flailing, wailing two year old who is about to climb out of the Proper Child Seat of my cart, and I'm finally doing everyone a favor by getting OUT of the store.
Yes, as I am grasping said two year old's coat while she kneels, screaming, in the Proper Child Seat (refusing to sit on her bottom) so that she will not crash to the floor, and as my now miraculously calm and quiet four year old rides on the back of the cart (you know, with his feet on the rack below, holding on to the edge of the cart "like a monkey!" because that way at least he will not run from me and get hit by a car while I'm trying to manage the wild two year old and not hit cars with my cart), the greeter actually touched my arm and gestured for me to stop.
Sounding nearly frantic at the sight of G riding on the end of the cart (but seemingly none too concerned about L about to catapult herself out of the Proper Child Seat), and I'm sure having disgusted thoughts along the lines of Honestly, These Young Mothers Today, she says, "Ma'am! Ma'am! You can't let your son ride that way on the cart! It's very dangerous!"
And then, APPARENTLY BLIND TO MY TWO YEAR OLD, WHO HAS NOW TWISTED OUT OF MY GRIP AND IS MAKING FINAL ADJUSTMENTS FOR HER PLUMMET TO THE CONCRETE FLOOR, she actually waves her hand over the "safety instructions" printed on the Proper Child Seat, which just so happen to be right under the two year old's kicking feet, and says, "See? It says right here that they can't ride that way!"
And internet, I just couldn't contain it...I rolled my eyes at her, and said in my Overly-Cheerful-And-I'd-Like-To-Knock-Your-Head-Off-Voice, "Excellent. I'll have him walk next to me and just hope he doesn't get hit by a car!"
Her very relieved response? "Okay! Thank you!"
I keep on moving, totally irritated, and horrified that I have been CALLED OUT by the Parent Police, and she keeps on talking..."I'm sorry about that, ma'am, it's just not safe!"
Still rolling, looking straight ahead at my goal of hiding my rude and ugly self in my car, I shout, "You know, when you have two kids under four, you just do what you have to to get OUT OF THE DAMN STORE!"
Epilogue:
Since I am medicated now, I didn't hang onto this all day long like I normally would. It did not ruin my day, like it would have in the past. And for all I know, that sweet little grandma has four grown children of her own who once were illegal cart riders and she was just trying to be helpful.
But REALLY. Did she have to STOP me? I've heard the freaking shoplifter alarm go off and seen those greeters look flustered, trying to figure out what to do, and they're so slow that the person who is probably shoplifting is already halfway to their car.
Maybe I just need to move faster than the grannies to avoid their wrath. Silly Hily, I may need to sign up for your Jazzercise class.
9 Comments:
It's OK! I got stopped by the Wal-Mart police, as B leaned over the cart fell out busted his lip and they thought I might be the one to blame and truly they only wanted me to sign something saying I wouldn't sue.URGH!!!!!! Anyway...if you would like a chuckle give me a call. E
I'm surprised they actually STOP people. Especially parent-people who are exiting the store with less-than-happy little people in tow. Seriously... is this normal behaviour, or was she just feeling particularly suicidal today? She's lucky all you did was shout over your shoulder, in my opinion.
Then again, you shouldn't listen to me - it's probably the hormones talking.
that's completely ridiculous and i'm glad you responded like you did.
perhaps she should spend more time worrying about the parents who are actually using the big unsafe practices on their children. you know, the ones who don't put them in car seats or fill their baby's bottles with bleach.
and i, too, am amazed that you can buy rum at walmart. wow!
Oh MAN, that sucks. I want to strangle people like that. People who know sooo much better than you, and for crap's sakes have to follow allll of the saftey guidelines (my mother used to shove two of the four of us at a time onto the little shelf beneath the basket for greater ease in keeping track of us.) Where do people get the nerve??
We were once in Walmart when KJ was a baby, and as I sat him in the cart the greeter came over to me and commented, "Wow! That kid's got a big head! I bet you had one hell of a time pushing THAT out!" Unfortunately, I lack all wit in the moment, and simply walked away fast bearing a look of horror. Oh the replies I thought of all that afternoon. Gah.
Glad L didn't crash to the floor, anyway. Children should be seen and not heard...
And the internet flocks to Missouri b/c RUM at WALMART! Dude. They don't allow that here. But you can buy beer. I don't get it.
Several months ago, when I only had one kid to haul around, my mom and aunt we shopping with me and Silly Girl at the mall. We were upstairs and used the escalator (sp? don't feel like looking it up) to get downstairs. Once down, a woman stopped us and said, ladies, next time you need to switch floors, there is an elevator all the way in the back of the store that you can use. In other words, use the f-ing elevator b/c I saw a child fall down the escelator yesterday.
She really was only trying to help but if she had looked closely she would have seen that Silly Girl was properly strapped in her stroller and my fear of losing my grip on the stroller is secured by my mom or aunt being in front of Silly Girl and her stroller and my aunt being behind me. Thanks lady, but I got it covered.
You all are cracking me up! No RUM at your Walmarts???? Good grief, I live in the middle of the Bible Belt, in a town with no bars, and our Walmart practically has a liquor store at the back (conveniently located right by the eggs and milk). Hehehe!
Oh good more adventures at Wal-Mart, you should write a book.
Oh yes, I remember those days of shopping with two small children in tow, and by some miracle, they both made it to adulthood.
Ok, Stacy, Thanks for the warning, I'll keep those wonderful parenting tips in mind next time I go to Wal-mart, or maybe I'll just let Taylor swing from the back of the cart, upside down, and on one wheel to get a rise out of Granny! Too Funny!
And my husband wonders why I will outright refuse to take my kids with me to Walmart. Hell No!!!!!!! I will wait until midnight if I have to, but hey ARE NOT going! And, holy shit, they sell RUM at your Walmart, that is so unfair. They only sell beer here, and, while I totally can deal with just beer, damn, RUM?!? Always a good choice.
Post a Comment
<< Home