A few days ago, I was looking for some writing prompts. I think all of your ideas are going to keep me busy until next week!
So, the next question up is from Kellie:
I'd like some parenting advice :) My daughter is a year old, a VERY picky eater and won't drink milk for ANYTHING. Seems I should have her off a bottle by now? Giving her all sorts of foods? Good Lord, I am confused. And, saying "NO" 3,230 times a day is wearing REAL thin on me. Do you maybe have a spare owner's manual you could send me? Please?
While I'm totally flattered that someone would ask ME for parenting advice, let me just remind you of this.
And this.
Um, and this.
Yeah. So, that said, since my kids (somehow) made it past age one, I'll tell you what I did in those situations, Kellie.
My son could NOT figure out how to drink from a cup, regular or sippy. But around 15 months, I phased out all of the bottles except for the evening bottle and he was forced to either be thirsty or drink from the damn cup. Obviously, he figured it out. He was 17 months old when he had his last bottle. And we gave him milk (instead of formula) on the day he turned 12 months old. That gave us an extra fifteen dollars a week that I could save up for a Disneyworld vacation. Yes, I'm kidding. We spent it on liquor.
My daughter drank from a cup at about 7 months, and she took her last bottle around 12 months. The babysitter gets the credit for that one.
So my solution? Phase out the bottle...slowly replace all her daytime bottles with cups of MILK. Brace yourself for the screaming and whining and pouting for the bottle. She will drink it when she is thirsty enough, I promise. Don't let her break you...the next day will get easier!
As for foods...my daughter eats everything. I've actually seen her pick up paper shreds and give them a taste. We think she has a promising future in Competitive Eating. My son ate everything until he was three, which is when he began his toddler diet of gummy snacks, turkey pepperoni, and cheese.
But here is how I personally started them on solids (also, please remember that I have obsessive fear of my kids choking, so they may have started some things later than children with normal parents):
At 5 months, my kids got cereal.
At 6 months, pureed fruits and veggies.
At 8 months, finger foods (Cheerios, Gerber veggie puffs, banana pieces, etc.)
By 9 months, the chunky Gerber foods and fruit and veggie dices.
By a year, they were eating most everything.
So Kellie, slap some little pieces of lunchmeat, a cheese slice, and a banana on her plate and let her go at it! I bet she'll love it. And if that does not work, Cheese Puffs never fail.
And, for Kellie's last concern...getting tired of saying NO.
What works for me is to switch it up! My children now hear many variations of no:
Leave it alone!
You KNOW better!
I said quit!
Did you HEAR me?
Stop NOW!
I've HAD it with you!
Did your ears stop working?
What are you DOING?!?
I'm done. You can just fight it out yourselves.
Mommy needs to lay down. Now stay out of trouble. I mean it.
And friends, that is why I AM Mother Of The Year. I am thrilled that I could be of service.
So, the next question up is from Kellie:
I'd like some parenting advice :) My daughter is a year old, a VERY picky eater and won't drink milk for ANYTHING. Seems I should have her off a bottle by now? Giving her all sorts of foods? Good Lord, I am confused. And, saying "NO" 3,230 times a day is wearing REAL thin on me. Do you maybe have a spare owner's manual you could send me? Please?
While I'm totally flattered that someone would ask ME for parenting advice, let me just remind you of this.
And this.
Um, and this.
Yeah. So, that said, since my kids (somehow) made it past age one, I'll tell you what I did in those situations, Kellie.
My son could NOT figure out how to drink from a cup, regular or sippy. But around 15 months, I phased out all of the bottles except for the evening bottle and he was forced to either be thirsty or drink from the damn cup. Obviously, he figured it out. He was 17 months old when he had his last bottle. And we gave him milk (instead of formula) on the day he turned 12 months old. That gave us an extra fifteen dollars a week that I could save up for a Disneyworld vacation. Yes, I'm kidding. We spent it on liquor.
My daughter drank from a cup at about 7 months, and she took her last bottle around 12 months. The babysitter gets the credit for that one.
So my solution? Phase out the bottle...slowly replace all her daytime bottles with cups of MILK. Brace yourself for the screaming and whining and pouting for the bottle. She will drink it when she is thirsty enough, I promise. Don't let her break you...the next day will get easier!
As for foods...my daughter eats everything. I've actually seen her pick up paper shreds and give them a taste. We think she has a promising future in Competitive Eating. My son ate everything until he was three, which is when he began his toddler diet of gummy snacks, turkey pepperoni, and cheese.
But here is how I personally started them on solids (also, please remember that I have obsessive fear of my kids choking, so they may have started some things later than children with normal parents):
At 5 months, my kids got cereal.
At 6 months, pureed fruits and veggies.
At 8 months, finger foods (Cheerios, Gerber veggie puffs, banana pieces, etc.)
By 9 months, the chunky Gerber foods and fruit and veggie dices.
By a year, they were eating most everything.
So Kellie, slap some little pieces of lunchmeat, a cheese slice, and a banana on her plate and let her go at it! I bet she'll love it. And if that does not work, Cheese Puffs never fail.
And, for Kellie's last concern...getting tired of saying NO.
What works for me is to switch it up! My children now hear many variations of no:
Leave it alone!
You KNOW better!
I said quit!
Did you HEAR me?
Stop NOW!
I've HAD it with you!
Did your ears stop working?
What are you DOING?!?
I'm done. You can just fight it out yourselves.
Mommy needs to lay down. Now stay out of trouble. I mean it.
And friends, that is why I AM Mother Of The Year. I am thrilled that I could be of service.
16 Comments:
It's hard to pick a favorite cuz I love all you write. That said, this one is # 1 for me. You always bring back memories,some from 25 yrs ago and some from last week. As I have said,I am mom of 5,granny of 6 1/2.I have been wiping butts and cleaning up puke and other odd things for 30 years.I read you and I am right back there in that moment. And actually I love it. Your best advice "cheese puffs never fail" is the absolute truth. God, are we all the same? What I hate about the puffs is that if you aren't fast,if they get full and you don't notice and run in quick with a wipe or rag or anything wet and strong,,you will find your sofa,walls, curtains and maybe the dog,covered in that horrible orange greasy shit that is hell to wash out or off. My daughter Sara is weaning Madison off the tit this week and it's been tough.She turned 1 a few weeks ago. I have no clue why she asked me for advice on how to get her to stop nursing. Cady told a funny and embarrasing story last week in front of too many people. We were discussing nursing and how hard it is to get them weaned. Cady announced that I nursed her for so long that she still remembers it very well. Okay, 3 1/2 is a bit old to some.But in my circle everyone nursed till forever.I used to be a real snob about it. If you gave your beloved baby formula made in some factory you were looked at as a less than good mom. Now,boy have I changed. I don't give a crap. Do what you want. It's all good. I even used cloth diapers on purpose. Well, I soon changed my tune on that one too.Was I nuts? Oh I think so.
Wanna know why I know you are a great Mom? Cuz you have a fantastic sense of humor.
Ok, I have to agree with debi that post was definitely one of my favorites. I can so relate to what you are saying and if I didn't change the "No" up a bit I would be insane, lol.
Kellie,
I just had to put my .02 in too. ;) I know you asked a humorous writer so maybe you don't want real advice but here it is anyway. LOL Check out askdrsears.com - all sorts of parenting advice on bottles, foods, illness - you name it, he's got it. For picky eaters, he suggests getting an ice cube tray and filling each compartment with healthy things to eat and just let them pick at it all day. Then they're eating something healthy and getting to be choosy at the same time. ;) Here's his list on food issues http://askdrsears.com/html/3/T030100.asp
His site was invaluable to me as a first time mom and I'll still use it a lot on my soon-to-be 4th kid too.
Also with bottles - see if you can switch to sippy cups. Try those soft spout ones if she balks at the hard spouts initially and once she gets used to those, you can switch up to leak-proof hard ones. And yeah, get some solids in her. lolol I'd start with pureed fruits or veggies - smashed banana or avocado are really great first foods and most babies really love them. ;)
OK, done with my .02 teehee
I luuuurve you Stac (may I call you Stac?). That was great. My favorite line? "We spent it on liquor."
You nailed it when you said "don't let her break you." Silly Girl is a juice freak. I'm trying to get her to drink more water. I'll give her some water and she'll say she wants juice. I tell her no that if she's thirsty enough, she'll drink the water or she won't drink anything at all. I smile and do a little dance every single time I glance over 15 minutes later and catch her drinking that water. Can you say s-u-c-c-e-s-s?
Stacey, you crack me up every time I read!!!! I love the advice!
This is what I eventually have to look forward to, huh? Oh my God.
and the mother of the year award goes to........oh wait, sorry i dropped it. ahem.... STACEY! YAY!
Finally! Someone else with the same "when they get hungry/thirsty enough they'll come around" theory. My co-worker thinks I'm awful to fix what I want to eat for dinner and let the kids either eat it or eat PB&J that they had to learn to make. At some point they have to figure out they are the kids and I am the adult, I've survived childhood therefore I reign supreme and they must learn from me. (insert primal tribal chant here softly in the background).
To Kellie,
Your baby won't go to Kindergarten taking a bottle or wearing diapers. Just relax and have fun!
Stace
You are too funny! What are you going to name the baby? I haven't even thought to ask you that question so there it is!
Sorry I can't figure blogger out, well actually I think one of my children ate the scrap of paper w/ my user name and password....
Also Kellie they will eat when hungry/thirsty
I was the anonymous post previous.
Erica
You are mother of the year, and your advice about weaning sounds practical.
You TOTALLY need to start a weekly parenting advice column.
First of all, you are funnier than hell and if nothing else can take the edge off of parenting.
Second, I am trying to figure out how to get Jack off the bottle (47 bottles of milk per day, and counting. I think he should be off by the time he's 19) and your suggestion of liquor was divine. Also, I should possibly hire a babysitter to help. Also divine.
You are one funny Mom, and a great one at that! I agree, you should start an advice column on parenting.
And your options for saying 'no', I love them all.
Since you need things to blog about, I TAGGED you!
hey i tagged you on my site by the way, hope that's okay!
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