When my son was born in 2002, I had been teaching school for four years. I spent my entire maternity leave dreading my inevitable return to work, which I had to do when Garrett was eight weeks old.
I had requested taking my FMLA-allowed twelve weeks, but my principal highly discouraged that since I taught kindergarten. She said it would be "too hard on my students". So I would drag my husband and his budget spreadsheet to the kitchen table at least twice a week, crying my eyes out and begging him to find a way for me to stay home.
As hard as he tried to find a way, we just couldn't afford it (stuuuupid credit cards), and I know it broke his heart nearly as much as it did mine.
When our daughter came along in 2004, we hit the same wall. Laura was born in April, so I had nearly four months at home with her before I had to return to school. But once again, I spent the entire summer dreading what was coming in August. That school year was really hard on all of us.
At the beginning of that school year, I began discussing with my superintendent the option of working part time (two days a week) as a preschool teacher for my school district. It took the entire year, and a lot of pleading (and also maybe begging, groveling, heartfelt speeches, and possibly some minor whining) and letters to the board, but he gave me the final approval that July.
Part time turned out to be the PERFECT solution. I was still getting my teaching fix and having adult interaction, AND staying home with my kids for the majority of the week. Heaven.
But. The position was eliminated at the end of the year, and I was offered my full time Kindergarten job again. I said yes, because that damn budget (and that horrendous credit card debt) still wasn't budging.
I immediately called my husband in tears, and he had some conversations with his boss (he had recently traded his engineering job with the State for a job with a small, family owned company). He informed me that evening that his company was giving him a raise. A raise in the amount of what I had been making teaching part time. And then I called my superintendent, at home, and quit my job.
That was last May, and I have been a stay at home mom ever since (with some occasional substitute teaching and cake decorating thrown in here and there).
I'd like to say we just made the choice for me to stay home, because we felt it was the right thing to do, or because we wanted to give our children the best possible start.
But that's not true. The reason I am able to stay home is because things fell into place for us financially, through very little work on our part. We got lucky, we were in the right place at the right time, we were blessed...however you choose to look at it.
So I tell you ALLLLL of that just to get to my point...
This is the picture that still breaks my heart into a million pieces:
This was Garrett on my last day of full time teaching, in 2005. I HAD to be at work...there was no choice, since it was the last day. He was really sick and had a 103 degree fever. And I could not be with him. I had to send him to my Granny's house instead.
And Granny took this picture of my precious two year old, and now I will forever have the photographic proof of how I was not there for him that day, and so many other days, because I had to work.
Stay at home motherhood has not been at ALL what I expected, and it has most definitely NOT made me a better mother. I sometimes feel like I worked harder to really be present for my children when I was working. Working mom guilt did that for me, I suppose.
Even though I'm home, I don't play enough games of hide-and-seek or Candyland, and I might tell my kids to "GO PLAY!!" a little too often. I've been known to watch Oprah while the kids destroy the basement. For goodness sake, I had to get on MEDICATION shortly after quitting teaching. I have as many shortcomings as a stay at home mom as I did when I was a working mom, and maybe more.
But I know this: I am HERE.
I get to cook their meals.
I get to sing them songs.
I get to show them the joy of Little House on the Prairie repeats.
I get to show Garrett how to write words.
I get to fix Laura's pigtails in the morning.
I get to hear them laugh, fight, and make up.
I get to rock them when they are sick.
And I get to take the pictures.
I had requested taking my FMLA-allowed twelve weeks, but my principal highly discouraged that since I taught kindergarten. She said it would be "too hard on my students". So I would drag my husband and his budget spreadsheet to the kitchen table at least twice a week, crying my eyes out and begging him to find a way for me to stay home.
As hard as he tried to find a way, we just couldn't afford it (stuuuupid credit cards), and I know it broke his heart nearly as much as it did mine.
When our daughter came along in 2004, we hit the same wall. Laura was born in April, so I had nearly four months at home with her before I had to return to school. But once again, I spent the entire summer dreading what was coming in August. That school year was really hard on all of us.
At the beginning of that school year, I began discussing with my superintendent the option of working part time (two days a week) as a preschool teacher for my school district. It took the entire year, and a lot of pleading (and also maybe begging, groveling, heartfelt speeches, and possibly some minor whining) and letters to the board, but he gave me the final approval that July.
Part time turned out to be the PERFECT solution. I was still getting my teaching fix and having adult interaction, AND staying home with my kids for the majority of the week. Heaven.
But. The position was eliminated at the end of the year, and I was offered my full time Kindergarten job again. I said yes, because that damn budget (and that horrendous credit card debt) still wasn't budging.
I immediately called my husband in tears, and he had some conversations with his boss (he had recently traded his engineering job with the State for a job with a small, family owned company). He informed me that evening that his company was giving him a raise. A raise in the amount of what I had been making teaching part time. And then I called my superintendent, at home, and quit my job.
That was last May, and I have been a stay at home mom ever since (with some occasional substitute teaching and cake decorating thrown in here and there).
I'd like to say we just made the choice for me to stay home, because we felt it was the right thing to do, or because we wanted to give our children the best possible start.
But that's not true. The reason I am able to stay home is because things fell into place for us financially, through very little work on our part. We got lucky, we were in the right place at the right time, we were blessed...however you choose to look at it.
So I tell you ALLLLL of that just to get to my point...
This is the picture that still breaks my heart into a million pieces:
This was Garrett on my last day of full time teaching, in 2005. I HAD to be at work...there was no choice, since it was the last day. He was really sick and had a 103 degree fever. And I could not be with him. I had to send him to my Granny's house instead.
And Granny took this picture of my precious two year old, and now I will forever have the photographic proof of how I was not there for him that day, and so many other days, because I had to work.
Stay at home motherhood has not been at ALL what I expected, and it has most definitely NOT made me a better mother. I sometimes feel like I worked harder to really be present for my children when I was working. Working mom guilt did that for me, I suppose.
Even though I'm home, I don't play enough games of hide-and-seek or Candyland, and I might tell my kids to "GO PLAY!!" a little too often. I've been known to watch Oprah while the kids destroy the basement. For goodness sake, I had to get on MEDICATION shortly after quitting teaching. I have as many shortcomings as a stay at home mom as I did when I was a working mom, and maybe more.
But I know this: I am HERE.
I get to cook their meals.
I get to sing them songs.
I get to show them the joy of Little House on the Prairie repeats.
I get to show Garrett how to write words.
I get to fix Laura's pigtails in the morning.
I get to hear them laugh, fight, and make up.
I get to rock them when they are sick.
And I get to take the pictures.
Labels: Stay at home motherhood
13 Comments:
What a wonderful entry Stacey!! (That last picture is worth a million bucks!!)
You are doing such a great job with your kids, and it shows on their smiling faces. There's no question whether being a SAHM is easy, that's for sure. It is like no other job. And, sometimes we all check out - at home, at work, wherever. Don't let those times bother you - just pick up and move on.
Your (THREE!) kiddos are lucky to have such a wonderful mother.
Awesome! I feel EXACTLY the same way. I wouldn't give up my life at home for anything!!
You might be ready for the looney bin by the time they leave home...but it is a fun way to get there!
Good for you. I never got to stay home with my babies and I have regretted it every day since. Now my oldest baby is starting high-school (check my blog). You have been blessed by God to have these moments. It's not luck. I know you can do it.
That picture is definitely worth staying home for!!!!!!!!
Beautiful post and hillarious picture. I'm so glad that I will be able to stay home if/when I have a baby.
I'm glad that you were able to do what you really wanted, and really - look at how happy and beautiful those kids are! You are a great Mom, don't ever doubt it.
Love that post, Stacey! I am very much jealous of the fact that you and many others get to stay at home with their kids all day and it's always nice to hear someone that does that say how grateful they are.
And, that pic, ha ha ha ha, blackmail anyone?
This was such a sweet post. You are a good momma.
My first husband left when I was pregnant so I never really had a chance to stay at home and I wish so much sometimes that I could have just had a few years. I love my work but I love my kids way, way more.
I'm sure they appreciate it... and if they don't now, they will later.
Tell Garret I LOVE the Tiara ;)
That was a fantastic post. And let me just say it for the millionth time I cannot believe how shitty mat leave is in the States. I'm grateful for my year off.
I'm almost crying right now and I think it's over nothing more than jealousy. I so wish I could stay home with my kids. I keep waiting for something to fall into place. But.....damn m-f-ing insurance. Yup, I carry it. And I curse it every single day.
Count your blessings my dear. I know you do. When things get hard, just remember that you really are blessed.
Aww, what a sweet picture. I am glad that you are able to stay home with those darlings. In 1971, just before civil rights legislation, I was forced to resign my position as a pregnant seventh grade science teacher. I do not know what my decision would have been if staying at home was not thrust upon me. However, I do know that those years of staying at home and being a mom were some of my best years. I did return to teaching when my youngest son, Luke, was at the end of his first grade year.
Okay Stacey, I have to admit, loving you as I do, I thought as I watched you struggling with leaving Laura at home "SUCK IT UP! Moms have to work, my mom worked and I turned out just fine! Kids need diapers and food and..." and then Jenna was born and I got it. I couldn't and didn't until Jenna was born. Even though I loved and trusted you with my daughter I cried all the way to school that day. This year I have struggled just as I watched you struggle. Even now as I try to explain to my husband how his "I never want to be a stay at home mom" wife turned into a "Can I please stay at home" wife....I can never find the words. I can't explain it. SO, thanks for giving me those words. Your kids are soooo lucky to have you and so are we, your friends. I do agree with Donna though, I miss you at school.
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