*UPDATED* Decorating cakes is a dangerous business

Okay. I know, I know, I went AWOL on my blog AGAIN. I just can't keep all my juggling balls in the air, so to speak. I feel like a robot (a very sleep-deprived robot) all day long, set to accomplish one menial task after another (dishes-laundry-replace light bulb-clean McDonald's trash from backseat-put more diapers in the diaper bag-clean cat vomit from rocking chair-and on and on and ON). More on that later, when I actually have time to really WRITE again.

But today, before I set off on my robotic duties, plus one preschool field trip to the pumpkin patch, let me tell you the story of why I am a dumb ass.

So you've seen my cakes. You know that I really do have it in me to decorate them. So when a friend told me about a part-time decorating job at the local grocery chain (which shall not be named), I thought Hey! What a great way to practice my skillz AND get away from my children for a few hours a week! So I called for info, and they told me to just come in and decorate a cake.

On Saturday, I dropped in to decorate. The woman "in charge" was tied up, so the bakery girl handed me an apron and said to decorate the cake, and the woman "in charge" would "judge" it later.

It was the longest hour of my life, but I must make this brief because I've got a pumpkin patch to get to:

Girl hands me apron. Does not give me gloves or a hairnet, nor does she request that I wash my hands.

Girl hacks off a quarter sheet sized piece of mass produced, formerly frozen chocolate cake (full of crumbs). Cake breaks in half as she lifts it to a cake board. She smushes it back together with her bare hands, gives me a ginormous bag of frosting-from-a-bucket and tells me to go ahead.

"Do you want me to follow a picture or something?" I say. "No. Just do whatever," she replies.

She offers me the turntable for my decorating convenience and I begin to lift the industrial size metal turntable to take it to my workstation. The bottom drops off. It falls on my left foot and rolls under the table.

I apologize profusely, horrified at myself for possibly breaking equipment that I really shouldn't even be using, and she says, "Oh, I forgot to tell you that comes apart." Heh. Thanks.

So my mind is spinning in a thousand directions. Blinding pain! Should I tear off the apron and drive myself to the ER? The store will be in trouble if they find I've been injured on their property! An ER visit and x-ray will be too expensive! PAIN, I'M IN PAIN! They can't do anything for broken toes anyway, right? Gah, are my toes still ATTACHED? Must decorate this cake! Don't stop now and look like a big loser. DECORATE THE CAKE, TOES BE DAMNED.

So I decide my only option is to march on with the decorating. I get down to retrieve the turntable from under the table, but the floor is so dirty I can't force myself to get down on my knees. The other girl does it.

I don't know how I got that cake done. Their were tubs of neon, crusted icing everywhere, dirty rags laying around, crumbs on every surface, disorganized and rusted decorating tips, and I didn't SEE roaches, but I guarantee they were lurking. And this is a nice, fairly new chain grocery store. Gag. And I keep checking my toe as I work, and then notice there is a bleeding gash on top of one of my toes. I stand there and bleed into my flipflop, praying no one notices.

It was the ugliest cake I've ever done, and I was informed that they would put it in the freezer to be "judged", but that the woman "in charge" would definitely want to put it out in the display case to sell. And for all they know, I was some dirty, homeless woman who decorated that hunk of cake with her bare, germy hands. More gagging.

So my toe is fractured, if not broken, and the woman "in charge" never called back. Guess I'm not good enough for that store - THANK GOD.

*Crap. They called me today wanting to hire me. I say NO, right? RIGHT??? And by the way, it's Pricecutter. They should be ashamed of the way they are running that bakery. The only pro to taking the job would be that maybe I could get the cake decorating part ORGANIZED and CLEAN.