Now, where were we?

I am a professional procrastinator. I will put on socks to guard my feet from the war zone of sticky spots and crumbs on the kitchen floor instead of just MOPPING IT ALREADY. I will trip over the same shoe on the floor twelve times instead of just PICKING THE DAMN THING UP. Though I am a fairly reasonable person, I have a malfunction in my brain that does not allow me to do ANYTHING unless I can do it ALL. And do it all PERFECTLY.



This would explain my lack of posting lately. I love this blog. I enjoy writing. I adore the feedback I get from the readers of my blog. I love reading your blogs. BUT. If I can't sit down to write THE PERFECT BLOG POST THAT CAPTURES EVERYTHING I WANT TO SAY IN A WELL WRITTEN, INSPIRING, AND HUMOROUS WAY, then dammit, I WON'T WRITE ONE AT ALL. I can't. My brain malfunction won't LET me.


But I'm going to try to get over that for the moment, lest you think I am dead.

Am not dead! Here is proof - let's begin with Halloween.


Garrett was a pirate, Laura was a monkey, and Delaney was a banana. We went trick or treating with my friend Emily and her baby daughter. Emily and I have been trick or treating together since we were five, usually dressed as some variation on Cindy Lauper or Madonna, but this year we went as witches.


Trick or treating went as well as it can go with four children under the age of five, we stole lots of candy when the kids weren't looking, and a great crisis was averted when Laura dropped her candy in a neighbor's yard and Daddy stopped her before she could also pick up the dog poop in the grass. What can I say? It was very dark.







Then after Halloween, there was Scissor-Gate, in which Garrett-Scissorhands (whose last hack job involved my kitchen window screens) cut up his sister's hair AND my bedskirt. Craft materials that are now banned include all scissors (uh, for obvious reasons), markers (after two incidents involving my new couch), and scotch tape (after finding, and removing by hand, a ball of tape clogging the toilet).



Somewhere around this same time, Garrett head-butted Laura and gave her a big ol' black eye. It was a big week for Garrett. Laura's shiner, and her new haircut, as seen on her preschool field trip to see "Snakes Alive!":




Then came Thanksgiving, which will forever be known as The Day Mommy Wanted To Throw Herself Out The Window. We do two Thanksgiving dinners in one day - Seth's family first, then mine. That's approximately eight hours of Thanksgiving. And this year, it was also eight hours of Delaney SCREAMING HER FOOL HEAD OFF. Not that you'd believe it, looking at the picture of the little turkey:

There have also been quite a few cake orders since I last blogged - here are a few favorites that I don't think I've posted:



I have also been working on creating what I like to call Magical Holiday Memories For My Children, And They Will Cooperate And Smile If! It! Kills! Us! All! Dammit! Magical Memories created so far include making homemade hot cocoa and driving through the local Park's light display (in our jammies!), painting ornaments for Christmas gifts (avert your eyes, Nana), building and decorating a gingerbread house, and taking Christmas card photos under the tree (which is coordinated in red and silver, because I am an OCD control freak and I reorganized and fixed all the non-matchy ornaments after the kids went to bed).





Still need to visit Silver Dollar City, see Santa, bake cookies, and have a marathon day of watching Christmas Vacation. Man, these Magical Memories are wearing me out.








Last Thursday and Friday, Garrett and Laura had their preschool Christmas programs, in which they both had the role of shepherds. Laura's show went beautifully, although I had myself totally convinced she would see me and run from the stage screaming for me. She was gorgeous, perfectly behaved, and so grown up.


Each child in Garrett's class had a line to say in their Nativity play, and on the way to the program, we heard a little voice from the backseat say, "I WILL GO OUT AND TELL THE POOPS", followed by maniacal laughter. You can bet your ass that I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard an angelic, "I will go out and tell the PEOPLE" from the stage that evening. He also gave a wise man an elbow nudge when said wise man forgot to give baby Jesus his frankincense and myrrh. That's my boy. We control freaks must stick together.


And of course, no Holiday Stress Fest would be complete without my granny pissing me off - she told me today over the phone that I am "just CRUEL" for not starting Delaney on cereal (as she turned four months old YESTERDAY). I explained that she went to the doctor TODAY and she weighs over 15 pounds and sleeps ten hours a night, and that I just wanted to get through the holiday chaos before introducing a new thing to our routine.

So just for good measure, she threw in that it's just "all about you, and what's convenient for YOU - I would have NEVER denied my children FOOD". Insanity! Family dysfunction! She! Is! Crazy! Because, really - just witness the baby who wavers so dangerously on the edge of starvation:



Signing off for now...back sooner next time!